Yesterday in the Apple Store, my sister asked me about school. She asked if I planned on going back to University in the fall and what exactly I was taking. Am I going back? I'm going to do everything in my power to get back. For the past few months I have been talking about switching from a general English degree into nursing. A part of me still feels this pull - into this major, Which really makes me think, working as a nurse would be an ideal job for me. But I dont know if I'm smart enough. That's hard...that's hard to accept, because it was something I could see myself doing, long term, but I don't know if I would be able to hack it. So, it threw me off when she asked, because for months I have been planning on taking my required sciences to switch. And now...How do I tell people I've changed my mind, yet again...How will they take me seriously?
When I first started school in 08 I was in Journalism. At the time? Program was not for me. I was more focused on my eating disorder, which was clearly evident after being kicked out. I jumped from program to program and that's what I did for two years. I love Journalism, I love working under pressure and I love the general nature of it. Fuck, lets be honest, I loved my general English program at Ryerson, I was just too sick to care enough about school and making the best effort.
But, I've said it a million times, being out of school has taught me exactly how much I not only need to be in school, but how much I WANT to be in school. It's August, school is less than a month away, give or take, and all I can think about is stepping foot on campus again. All I can think about is being in class and learning and participating and writing essays and reading textbooks. Actually, reading them. The commute to school...all of it. Even the unglamorous~ side of school like waking up at 4 in the morning to catch my train in the middle of winter at 5am when its dark and cold on the platform. Trying to find a desk on the 8th floor of the library because its got the best light and view. School crowds my every thoughts these days, and I love it. I love thinking about it and dreaming about it and what I especially love, is planning HOW to make it happen and how to make that plan work.
I feel like I'm coming alive again. I feel like New York was that "push" I needed to realize that I was becoming "one" with my eating disorder again - as in, starting to view myself as my eating disorder, instead of realizing that I am not it and therefore, can live separate from it. That's the thing, it is 100% possible. I'm not sure how, I just...I know that it is. I'm so tired of it taking everything from my life. No, I'm so tired of LETTING it take everything from my life. Of laying down and idlely just giving up and taking the backseat in my life. I have SO much to fight for, I have so much going for me, and I need it to be enough, because its all that I have.
I feel pretty optimistic right now, and I know that at some point, I will feel like I've "lost" that. Who knows, I could have a fight with my mom tonight about school and feel exactly like I did two nights ago. That's life. You don't know whats going to happen, you never do, but you can choose how you respond to a situation.
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