I've been neglecting blogging lately, and I'm not even sure why. But tonight I feel like there is so much to write about, even though I should probably go to bed since I have to be up early...
To start, I got a few anonymous formspring questions asking why I deleted the post about New York/Suicide. Simply, I reread it the next morning after posting and realized that although the point of this blog is to be openly honest about my struggles and my life, it was too personal to just put out in the blogosphere for anyone to read. It's also not what I want to associate New York with, ever. New York is my safe haven, my home, the love of my life, and although everything I was feeling was dark and, well, fucked up, it's not something I hold to New York. It's not a reflection of who I am and what I feel about the city, but rather a reflection of what was going on in my life at the time. No, I didn't save the post, no I don't have a copy of it anywhere, and no, I will not repost it or send it to anyone who asks for it (which is impossible, as like I said, I don't have a copy of it).
And now that that is out the of the way, we move onto school. So not only did financial aid not turn out the way I had hoped it too, I also realized I screwed up on the application. When applying you have to select your school and the program your registered into. Well, stupid me wasn't really paying attention I guess and picked "Contemporary Science (BSC)" instead of "Contemporary Arts (BSA)" which is the program I am enrolled in. So, I'm heading to campus first thing in the morning to try and get this sorted out before school starts.
School...it's still up in the air. I really don't know what is going to happen with it if I can't pull the money together. But I'm trying to think of ways that I can. The good thing is, I can do my tuition in installments, I'm pretty sure (will double check tomorrow). This was an option when I was at Laurier in 2008/2009. The downside was that, the more installments you chose to make payment in (like two payments instead of one lump sum) makes the price increase. Making smaller payments does make it easier to afford upfront, but it is more money in the longrun. I am going to clear this all out with financial aid tomorrow. Fingers crossed this all works out for me because I'm really fighting to get back in the fall. I know I said I was going to do this on my own, and I really want to do this all on my own, and this is a last resort, but if push comes to shove, I do have a back up plan. I don't want to have to use it, but, I mean, this is my education, my future, and it is something I have to fight for. And that may mean doing things that are hard and uncomfortable and not really on the top of my list, but it has to be done in order to do what needs to be done.
And on that same note, I'm still undecided about what the hell I am doing in terms of my degree. Everyone is telling me I shouldn't go back unless I'm 100% sure in what the hell I want to do, but I feel like...I feel like that's just such an awful restriction to put on myself. I know nobody takes me seriously anymore in regards to school and my major, which is why I'm so hush hush when people ask, but...A few months ago one of my good friends put a lot of things into perspective for me. She said: " You can be whatever you want to be. People put way too much pressure on themselves at way too young an age to figure out 'what they want to be'. Decide what you want to be now. And go do that. And if in 5 or 10 or 15 years you want to be something else, then go do that." I'm not rushing things this year. I'm not diving in, head first. I'm sort of just...dipping my toes back in. Getting a feel for what it is like to be a student again...navigating the waters. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but thats what this year is about - figuring it out. And I know, deep down, I know I can do this.
In other news, that is completely unrelated to school, I got a call today from the movie place for ANOTHER interview. I'm really excited about this, but at the same time, would just like this process to be over. I applied for this position before leaving for New York last month (July 15th) and even had an interview the day I applied. I had given up hope, but they called me a few days after I got home from the forest, for another interview. Even though I thought it didn't go as well as I hoped, it apparently did because they called my references and called me today about an interview next week. I feel like this is such a lengthly process for, well, a sub-standard part time job. Don't get me wrong, I really am thrilled, I just wish the process would end because at this rate, I'm going to be thrown into trying to get accustomed to a new job (if I do get hired) while starting school again at the same time. Not exactly how I had planned things to go. But, c'est la vie.
I guess that's really all that there is to say. I hate writing, "Oh, I'm doing really good these days," because I guess a part of me believes that its too good to be true. It was only a matter of weeks before things fell apart when I came home from New York in February, but here I am. It makes me wonder...when did I give up at the beginning of the year? When did I just...stop fighting? And more importantly, WHY? I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and the answer is, I don't know why. I don't know why things fell apart. Sure, it probably had a lot to do with things going on in my family, but I don't know, it just seems like there was...more to it. But, as much as this has been on my mind, I'm trying not to dwell on it. Because I've been home from New York for almost a month now, and of course, OF COURSE, I still miss it and miss J and everything about it, but it's not so suffocating. In fact, there are some nights I just lay awake realizing how truly lucky I am to love something and be a part of something that affects me so much. To know that regardless of what is happening here, where I am, where my reality is, there is always something...waiting for me. That's pretty remarkable...
And it's the reason why I will never stop fighting again for the rest of my life.
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