I guess I'm just really frustrated with my life these days, which is a little bit weird considering that I have a lot going for me. I got the job, as I said earlier, and I start this Wednesday and I'm really excited about it. I'm excited to have money again. I'm returning to school the second week of September. My friend is coming to visit me in September...I have so much going for me, and I'm sitting in my bedroom right now just feeling really lost.
I hate to even post this, but I started this blog with the intention of just laying it all out there. So I am.
I don't know who I am separate from my eating disorder, or maybe...I don't know. Because I write that and I feel like, are you stupid, of course you know who you are. Look at this life you've got right now - look at the people who are in it...this is who you are separate from your eating disorder. I'm not saying I want to throw my life away and relapse, it's just that I'm struggling. I can feel the shift in the season and even though autumn is my favourite season, it means winter is coming and that has shifted something in me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I can feel it. I lay awake at night long after I've shut my computer down just thinking about what my life was before all of this. I mean, before I rebuilt what I have today. Why the fuck do I hold onto that? Why do I so desperately cling onto the eating disordered Kim. I don't know. I fucking go through old journals and I seriously do not fucking recognize who I used to be, and in the next breath a part of me wants to recognize who I used to be. I want to be able to place my hand upon it and remember it. I feel like my life is just do disjointed and separated. Like nothing goes in order, like chunks are missing. Like who I was before does not add up to who I am now. I struggle with this, because I want a clear cut path. I want to follow myself to find out when I got here, but its like... it's like a different lifetime.
I'm so tired of things not making sense. I fucking crave and long to be apart of something, be apart of someone? I feel like this "family" hasn't been a family for a long time...especially with my dad's diagnosis. It should have brought us together, and it only made us drift farther. When I got sick I lost the relationship with my mother and I didn't know if it would ever be something we could salvage, and we did...but these days, I'm having a hard time wanting to be around her because I'm always her scapegoat for all the shit going wrong in her life, and theres a lot of it. I don't deny it. She has a lot on her plate, but somehow, she always finds a way to take that out on me. I've gotten to the point where I just can't even stand to put up with her...eventually, I'm going to stop caring one of these days and she'll have actually pushed me away. I just can't fucking deal with it anymore. It's too much.
My brother is also moving out on Thursday, thank god. These past 8 months have felt like an eternity. I can't stand him. I hate being around him. It fucking aches to be in the same breathing space as him. I don't know why I've been thinking so much about who my family was in the past....but I have been. We used to be, well, pretty close for such a big family. And my mom wanted nothing but the best for us. We didn't have a lot, but she gave us what she could and it breaks my fucking soul in half to know that my brother sold most of the childhood things she gave him so he could fucking buy beer or go to the bar or have money to spend on his trashy girlfriend who cheated on him and left him more times than I can count. I get it. We grow up, we sell the things we don't need...but I don't know, it hurts to know he sold the things she worked so hard for to buy...for things like alcohol.
I miss New York a lot right now. Maybe I just miss belonging.
No comments:
Post a Comment