the safest way to fly is to know how to fall

I guess I'm just really frustrated with my life these days, which is a little bit weird considering that I have a lot going for me. I got the job, as I said earlier, and I start this Wednesday and I'm really excited about it. I'm excited to have money again. I'm returning to school the second week of September. My friend is coming to visit me in September...I have so much going for me, and I'm sitting in my bedroom right now just feeling really lost.

I hate to even post this, but I started this blog with the intention of just laying it all out there. So I am.

I don't know who I am separate from my eating disorder, or maybe...I don't know. Because I write that and I feel like, are you stupid, of course you know who you are. Look at this life you've got right now - look at the people who are in it...this is who you are separate from your eating disorder. I'm not saying I want to throw my life away and relapse, it's just that I'm struggling. I can feel the shift in the season and even though autumn is my favourite season, it means winter is coming and that has shifted something in me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I can feel it. I lay awake at night long after I've shut my computer down just thinking about what my life was before all of this. I mean, before I rebuilt what I have today. Why the fuck do I hold onto that? Why do I so desperately cling onto the eating disordered Kim. I don't know. I fucking go through old journals and I seriously do not fucking recognize who I used to be, and in the next breath a part of me wants to recognize who I used to be. I want to be able to place my hand upon it and remember it. I feel like my life is just do disjointed and separated. Like nothing goes in order, like chunks are missing. Like who I was before does not add up to who I am now. I struggle with this, because I want a clear cut path. I want to follow myself to find out when I got here, but its like... it's like a different lifetime.

I'm so tired of things not making sense. I fucking crave and long to be apart of something, be apart of someone? I feel like this "family" hasn't been a family for a long time...especially with my dad's diagnosis. It should have brought us together, and it only made us drift farther. When I got sick I lost the relationship with my mother and I didn't know if it would ever be something we could salvage, and we did...but these days, I'm having a hard time wanting to be around her because I'm always her scapegoat for all the shit going wrong in her life, and theres a lot of it. I don't deny it. She has a lot on her plate, but somehow, she always finds a way to take that out on me. I've gotten to the point where I just can't even stand to put up with her...eventually, I'm going to stop caring one of these days and she'll have actually pushed me away. I just can't fucking deal with it anymore. It's too much.

My brother is also moving out on Thursday, thank god. These past 8 months have felt like an eternity. I can't stand him. I hate being around him. It fucking aches to be in the same breathing space as him. I don't know why I've been thinking so much about who my family was in the past....but I have been. We used to be, well, pretty close for such a big family. And my mom wanted nothing but the best for us. We didn't have a lot, but she gave us what she could and it breaks my fucking soul in half to know that my brother sold most of the childhood things she gave him so he could fucking buy beer or go to the bar or have money to spend on his trashy girlfriend who cheated on him and left him more times than I can count. I get it. We grow up, we sell the things we don't need...but I don't know, it hurts to know he sold the things she worked so hard for to buy...for things like alcohol.

I miss New York a lot right now. Maybe I just miss belonging.

i could sleep

Tonight, I'm just in a bad mood. No reason, I'm just grumpy. I'm grumpy because I just got all my pills out that I take every night, and it feels like too much effort, which sounds incredibly stupid because really, it doesn't take any effort at all to swallow a bunch of pills. But it feels like it's going to take all the effort in the world because most 21 year olds aren't taking like 6 pills before they go to bed. They aren't supplementing because they have shit ass bones and bodies and just everything ruined from years of an eating disorder. I'm just cranky. I'm just cranky because this is my life and I'm tired of it. Not in the suicidal kind of way, but just in the way of, I'm 21 and this is what I've done to myself.

I start work next Wednesday. I'm excited.

I'm still going to school. I'm beyond excited.

But for now, I am just going to force myself to take these pills, cuddle up in bed with cabenson bear (lol what?), watch old school ER and go to bed.

Being an adult

I know I've been an adult for quite a few years now, but I've never really...I don't know what the word is. I still live at home, meaning I have to follow my parents rules, and I get that, I do, but because of that, I consciously make all my decisions under my mom's supervision. In wanting to go to NYC in July, I knew that it could be a horrible financial decision and so, instead, I asked my mom if I could go instead of making the choice for myself...like most adults would. I guess I've been doing this for...well my entire adult life, and never really aware of it. I guess I believed that I still needed her "permission" on certain things.

And here I am, faced with making a really important "adult" decision that nobody can really make for me. And I can honestly say I don't know what is the right choice. I'm confused. I'm confused by what is right and what is easiest and...I guess, what is...not wrong, but...not the smart choice.

I got a job today. Yay. I needed a job no matter what. I've been out of work since December when I walked off my shit ass job, and I've suffered financially because of it. And now, I have a job...as school begins. I've been dreaming of returning to school since already taking a year off, and now I'm at a crossroad. When I applied for the job and had my interviews, I told them I wasn't returning to school and therefore my availability was completely open. But then something came up that made returning to school possible, while working.

What do I do? Do I take another semester or two off and work? Do I return to school and tell them right after they hired me that my availability has changed? I feel like...I feel like taking the semester off is just the easier option because I'm afraid to confront someone who has just hired me, but then I feel like maybe that is also the right choice - to be able to work more to save more. I don't know. I really don't.

And nobody can make this decision for me. I have to make it myself.

I have to be an "adult".

corner of your heart.

there is so much to write

and I don't even know where to start.

I think I'll just say, I'm glad I didn't quit therapy.

blindsided

I love that this always happens to me - I'm doing really well, eating disordered wise - I'll be on the right track and actually making an effort. As in, I'm eating everything that I'm supposed to, talking all my vitamins and supplements and THAT is when, Bam, something happens as a result of my eating disorder.

My tooth fell out. Well, thank god not all of it, but a good portion of it did...WHILE I WAS EATING ICE CREAM. ICE CREAM. Something that doesn't even require you to fucking chew. Something as soft as ice cream was enough to make a part of my tooth fall out. I called my mom sobbing about the whole ordeal, and through my tears as I explained what tooth it was and how it had happened, she asked me if it was a tooth that had been filled a few years prior, because perhaps it wasn't a part of the tooth, but instead the filling? I want to believe its a filling (I have white fillings in my teeth that have been filled so its hard to tell if its actually my tooth or the filling...), but when I run my tongue over the tooth, about 1/4 of the the tooth on the side is missing. I know what a "cavity" or dead hole feels like prior to being filled, and this doesn't feel like that. But of course, I won't know anything until I can get into the dentist. Which I have to wait until next month for so I will have insurance to cover any procedure that will have to be done. Sigh.

Seriously. FML.

08182011

jealousy is an ugly monster.

this could be the first day of my life

I've been neglecting blogging lately, and I'm not even sure why. But tonight I feel like there is so much to write about, even though I should probably go to bed since I have to be up early...

To start, I got a few anonymous formspring questions asking why I deleted the post about New York/Suicide. Simply, I reread it the next morning after posting and realized that although the point of this blog is to be openly honest about my struggles and my life, it was too personal to just put out in the blogosphere for anyone to read. It's also not what I want to associate New York with, ever. New York is my safe haven, my home, the love of my life, and although everything I was feeling was dark and, well, fucked up, it's not something I hold to New York. It's not a reflection of who I am and what I feel about the city, but rather a reflection of what was going on in my life at the time. No, I didn't save the post, no I don't have a copy of it anywhere, and no, I will not repost it or send it to anyone who asks for it (which is impossible, as like I said, I don't have a copy of it).

And now that that is out the of the way, we move onto school. So not only did financial aid not turn out the way I had hoped it too, I also realized I screwed up on the application. When applying you have to select your school and the program your registered into. Well, stupid me wasn't really paying attention I guess and picked "Contemporary Science (BSC)" instead of "Contemporary Arts (BSA)" which is the program I am enrolled in. So, I'm heading to campus first thing in the morning to try and get this sorted out before school starts.

School...it's still up in the air. I really don't know what is going to happen with it if I can't pull the money together. But I'm trying to think of ways that I can. The good thing is, I can do my tuition in installments, I'm pretty sure (will double check tomorrow). This was an option when I was at Laurier in 2008/2009. The downside was that, the more installments you chose to make payment in (like two payments instead of one lump sum) makes the price increase. Making smaller payments does make it easier to afford upfront, but it is more money in the longrun. I am going to clear this all out with financial aid tomorrow. Fingers crossed this all works out for me because I'm really fighting to get back in the fall. I know I said I was going to do this on my own, and I really want to do this all on my own, and this is a last resort, but if push comes to shove, I do have a back up plan. I don't want to have to use it, but, I mean, this is my education, my future, and it is something I have to fight for. And that may mean doing things that are hard and uncomfortable and not really on the top of my list, but it has to be done in order to do what needs to be done.

And on that same note, I'm still undecided about what the hell I am doing in terms of my degree. Everyone is telling me I shouldn't go back unless I'm 100% sure in what the hell I want to do, but I feel like...I feel like that's just such an awful restriction to put on myself. I know nobody takes me seriously anymore in regards to school and my major, which is why I'm so hush hush when people ask, but...A few months ago one of my good friends put a lot of things into perspective for me. She said: " You can be whatever you want to be. People put way too much pressure on themselves at way too young an age to figure out 'what they want to be'. Decide what you want to be now. And go do that. And if in 5 or 10 or 15 years you want to be something else, then go do that." I'm not rushing things this year. I'm not diving in, head first. I'm sort of just...dipping my toes back in. Getting a feel for what it is like to be a student again...navigating the waters. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but thats what this year is about - figuring it out. And I know, deep down, I know I can do this.

In other news, that is completely unrelated to school, I got a call today from the movie place for ANOTHER interview. I'm really excited about this, but at the same time, would just like this process to be over. I applied for this position before leaving for New York last month (July 15th) and even had an interview the day I applied. I had given up hope, but they called me a few days after I got home from the forest, for another interview. Even though I thought it didn't go as well as I hoped, it apparently did because they called my references and called me today about an interview next week. I feel like this is such a lengthly process for, well, a sub-standard part time job. Don't get me wrong, I really am thrilled, I just wish the process would end because at this rate, I'm going to be thrown into trying to get accustomed to a new job (if I do get hired) while starting school again at the same time. Not exactly how I had planned things to go. But, c'est la vie.

I guess that's really all that there is to say. I hate writing, "Oh, I'm doing really good these days," because I guess a part of me believes that its too good to be true. It was only a matter of weeks before things fell apart when I came home from New York in February, but here I am. It makes me wonder...when did I give up at the beginning of the year? When did I just...stop fighting? And more importantly, WHY? I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and the answer is, I don't know why. I don't know why things fell apart. Sure, it probably had a lot to do with things going on in my family, but I don't know, it just seems like there was...more to it. But, as much as this has been on my mind, I'm trying not to dwell on it. Because I've been home from New York for almost a month now, and of course, OF COURSE, I still miss it and miss J and everything about it, but it's not so suffocating. In fact, there are some nights I just lay awake realizing how truly lucky I am to love something and be a part of something that affects me so much. To know that regardless of what is happening here, where I am, where my reality is, there is always something...waiting for me. That's pretty remarkable...

And it's the reason why I will never stop fighting again for the rest of my life.

life in motion

"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."

don't slide

And once again, school is up in the air. When I did the original estimation for student aid they predicted a larger chunk of money than I had been expecting. While I know original estimations are based on minimal information and often are a couple of hundred dollars above what you actually get, I wasn't expecting the original estimation to be a couple THOUSANDS of dollars above what they are estimating now with all the in depth information.

They predict now half of what they originally predicted, which puts me in a predicament. (See what I did there?). While 60% of that aid is released in the first semester, I don't think its enough to cover tuition and student fees, without including the cost of commuting to school as well as textbooks. When I originally set on returning to school in the fall, I made sure my parents/family knew that I would be doing this on my own from them, financially wise, and that's really how I intend to do it. Which means, school may not be a possibility anymore. 60% of the aid would be pushing it to make it in payments because it leaves me in a lurch if I haven't found a job (which I'm still searching for and waiting to hear back from the movie place). Which makes me nervous. And the thing is, what they estimate now could be higher than what I am actually going to get.

Discouraged. I feel pretty discouraged about it. It makes me upset to know that come next month, I may not be in school YET again. But, I'm trying to remind myself that if that is the case, there is still January, and going back in January is better than taking ANOTHER year off. It's just, from this point, five months. And that feels like forever right now, does it ever, but it also gives me something to work towards. Because with student aid and any income from working, I could make it happen. It would be hard, and money would probably be really tight, but it is a possibility.

37 days until K comes from the UK and I can hardly, hardly, hardly wait.

your love compels me forward

Schedules for school have been posted. I can't even begin to tell you how I felt when my blackberry vibrated in my pocket yesterday with the email. Of course, I knew what classes I wanted to slash hoped to be taking in the Fall semester, but the fact that each course has now been designated a date and time, makes it just that much more real. And...frustrating.

I had forgotten just HOW frustrating it is to build a schedule. I was really sure in the three classes I wanted to take, but because of timing conflicts, I can't fit them all in. And thus begins the process of trying to find the times of my back up courses and somehow fitting those in. I really was hoping to condense my three classes into two days (well, one day would have been nice, but I knew a lot of my classes had T's on top of the actual L's that are NEVER on the same day) so I figured two days, hopefully side by side, would work out. Nope. Not at all. It's frustrating to have the L be offered on a friday and the T be offered the Tuesday. LOL. WHAT? But you know what, the days happen to suck, but my FAVOURITE prof is teaching it, which is a bonus. Yes, its less convient, but it works, right? And I'm probably going to have to push my schedule to three days instead of the original two. But guess what, it will have to work. I'm looking at somehow trying to fit Pop Culture into my schedule, and if I can't than Music in Film and if I can't than fairytales and fantasies. There's a english class being offered called The Nature of Autobiographies... AutoB's are my favourite kind of books to read, except there is no course description for the class and so I'm a bit ambivalent to sign up for it without knowing what the context of the course is...

In news other than school, I got a call today from my friend/former boss. Apparently the place I had a job interview at last week called her for a reference. Maybe the interview really DID go better than I thought it did - I mean the fact their checking up with my references. Maybe I did stand out? I'm cautiously optimistic, but it is very nice to know that they pursued A to get a reference about me. Fingers crossed!

when will you realize vienna waits for you.

Yesterday in the Apple Store, my sister asked me about school. She asked if I planned on going back to University in the fall and what exactly I was taking. Am I going back? I'm going to do everything in my power to get back. For the past few months I have been talking about switching from a general English degree into nursing. A part of me still feels this pull - into this major,  Which really makes me think, working as a nurse would be an ideal job for me. But I dont know if I'm smart enough. That's hard...that's hard to accept, because it was something I could see myself doing, long term, but I don't know if I would be able to hack it. So, it threw me off when she asked, because for months I have been planning on taking my required sciences to switch. And now...How do I tell people I've changed my mind, yet again...How will they take me seriously?

When I first started school in 08 I was in Journalism. At the time? Program was not for me. I was more focused on my eating disorder, which was clearly evident after being kicked out. I jumped from program to program and that's what I did for two years. I love Journalism, I love working under pressure and I love the general nature of it. Fuck, lets be honest, I loved my general English program at Ryerson, I was just too sick to care enough about school and making the best effort.

But, I've said it a million times, being out of school has taught me exactly how much I not only need to be in school, but how much I WANT to be in school. It's August, school is less than a month away, give or take, and all I can think about is stepping foot on campus again. All I can think about is being in class and learning and participating and writing essays and reading textbooks. Actually, reading them. The commute to school...all of it. Even the unglamorous~ side of school like waking up at 4 in the morning to catch my train in the middle of winter at 5am when its dark and cold on the platform. Trying to find a desk on the 8th floor of the library because its got the best light and view. School crowds my every thoughts these days, and I love it. I love thinking about it and dreaming about it and what I especially love, is planning HOW to make it happen and how to make that plan work.

I feel like I'm coming alive again. I feel like New York was that "push" I needed to realize that I was becoming "one" with my eating disorder again - as in, starting to view myself as my eating disorder, instead of realizing that I am not it and therefore, can live separate from it. That's the thing, it is 100% possible. I'm not sure how, I just...I know that it is. I'm so tired of it taking everything from my life. No, I'm so tired of LETTING it take everything from my life. Of laying down and idlely just giving up and taking the backseat in my life. I have SO much to fight for, I have so much going for me, and I need it to be enough, because its all that I have.

I feel pretty optimistic right now, and I know that at some point, I will feel like I've "lost" that. Who knows, I could have a fight with my mom tonight about school and feel exactly like I did two nights ago. That's life. You don't know whats going to happen, you never do, but you can choose how you respond to a situation.