tears of an angel

I really don't know how to explain it. I wish I did. I feel like when the night comes around, I'm a completely different person than I am during the day. It's like, the sun goes down and the world goes to bed and I can feel myself lose hope, lose optimism, lose my belief in myself. I don't get it. I honestly don't fucking understand it. My family is all curled up in their beds sleeping and I'm laying awake wondering what I'm doing with my life, wondering if I'll ever figure it out, wondering what would happen if I just didn't wake up in the morning.

When I used to lay awake years ago, I would dig my fingers into my palms because I couldn't bear to touch my body. I couldn't bear to run my hands over my legs, thighs, hips, stomach, arms...I couldn't bear to know I had a body, was a body. I fucking disgusted myself. I lay awake now like 40 pounds heavier and wonder why I'm fighting. I feel my heart beat and sometimes it just fucking hurts. I don't know. I'll wake up tomorrow, I'll read this entry and I won't even fucking recognize the person who wrote it until the sun sets and then I'll read it and slip into this silhouette that follows me throughout the day and know exactly who wrote it, will feel it.

I remember back in 2009 before christmas holidays, I was walking in the wet snow at night to Union Station to catch my train back home. It was so could outside, but I felt it from the fucking inside. Like nothing, fucking nothing could warm me up or thaw me out. I just remember walking, drinking starbucks from a christmas cup with Greg Laswell on repeat on my iPod. I was so fucking suicidal and avoided the subway because I knew I would probably jump in front of it if I went down into the tunnel. And so I just fucking walked on feet that ached and I was tired and cold and lost and hadn't eaten in four days. I was so fucking lost, I was so god damn lost and some nights, that image is just glued to the back of my eyelids and I cannot get away from it.

I don't get it. I lay here, every night, thinking that all I can and will ever amount to is my eating disorder. That why I am even fighting for any sort of life when I'm not going anywhere. All my friends will graduate this year and start a new chapter of their lives and I haven't even made it through first year. I don't have a job. I'm fucking in love with someone and too much of a chicken shit to even do anything about it. I feel like I'm just...here...occupying space. Wasting space.

And then morning comes and I'm driving down ninth line in my car thinking about buying running shoes bceause I'm going to train for a marathon, and that my life is worth living and that I'm on my way to figuring everything out, it's just taking me a little bit longer than the rest and that that is okay.

And for now, thats enough to get me through the night.

Winter's coming.