I've neglected the blogging world, quite clearly. I can't believe it's already October. When did this happen? Since getting my drivers license last month (score!) I've been doing a lot of driving, and its just crazy to see that all the trees are changing colors and falling. I can tell that winter is coming, fall is definietly in the air. It worries me a little bit. I feel uneasy; I don't feel quite ready for it yet. I don't know, it's weird. Last year I sort of had this, take the bull by its horns attitude about winter and, it actually went alright? At this time last year I was settling into Fazooli's and its just so crazy to think that that was actually a year ago. Sometimes, everything just feels so far away.
September was a crazy busy month for me, as it usually is. I dont even know where to begin. School started a few days after my last entry on the 7th. But things in my house also took a turn for the worst. A lot of things happened between me and my mother, and when school finally rolled around, my head was in a completely different space. I couldn't focus in class. It felt wrong to be there, I couldn't stop crying. I honestly felt like I couldn't breathe in class, and I just ended up throwing my stuff into my bag and leaving. It was hard, because I honestly felt like I was at a point that I was ready for school, but then other things got a better hold of me and I just felt knocked off my feet. I withdrew from my classes. Cancelled my loans. It was the best decision for me. And if I want to be 100% honest, I didn't even feel myself belonging in my program or the class. I think, maybe, all along I knew that. Maybe all I really did want was to want to want school. If that makes sense. I've been doing a lot of thinking about it lately. I just...I don't even know what I'm doing at RU. I look at my reasons for transferring there in 2009 and its such a load of bull. It's not where I belong or what I even should be doing. That's the thing, I don't know what exactly I should be doing, but I've been learning the things that I shouldn't be doing. RU is one of them.
I feel like that is just a huge weight off my shoulders to admit. Like, it's something I've known deep down inside, but because I clung so tightly onto the idea of school I was afraid to speak it, breathe it, say it out loud because than what? Who knows. I've been doing a lot of looking into colleges lately. These days, colleges also pair with universities so you're getting dual training and a diploma as well as a degree. And the best part, its not so much at once. You can do your two years of college, take a break for a year or so and then go back to university to finish. Something so much more suited to my style of learning. My sister was telling me this morning that that would be perfect for me - that I could go back and start college in the Winter term and finish in less than two years if I wanted...That I could get a working holiday visa for Australia or the UK or somewhere and explore and travel and live and it's just...its so me. I mean, I'm not sure about traveling to the other side of the world, because I have this overwhelming need to always be near NY, but it's just. The idea of it all, isn't so suffocating. It's...refreshing?
In regards to the fight with my mother. It all boiled back down to my dad. Because it always does. I don't want to get too much into it, because god, it was fucking awful, but I don't know. I notice a huge difference in the person I am because of how I reacted to the situation. I reached out. I reached out to my sister, to my mom, to my friends, to people because I couldn't be on my own. I couldn't just absorb it like the sponge I am used to being because it was killing me. It was eating me alive to be on my own. And look what happens when you reach out. You move forward. You work through it. We've worked through it. Sometimes, the memory of it still stings, and I know that that is because it is all just so recent. But still.
My friend from the UK came to visit me at the end of the month for ten days. I'm talking about a girl I have known since I was 13 years old, who I never met. We had talked about this day, for god, 8 years. EIGHT YEARS in the making. There were some rough moments, as there always is when you are spending 24/7 with somebody for an extended period of time and I think her and I were both ready for some space by the last day, but saying goodbye was hard. Harder than I anticipated. It was hard to let go, to let her get on the bus and leave and know that its unsure of when we will get to see each other again. It's not like J or K in NY where it's just a bus ride away that I can hop on whenever I feel like it. We're talking about a fucking ocean. And ocean that did its best to keep us apart, but it was just...I don't even know how to talk about it and put it into words - that moment we actually hugged, because its just so god damn beautiful I'm afraid I can't even say it without imperfections and distortions because thats this world. It was just...and then walking away from the Bus Terminal, I felt empty. I felt like I had left something behind - sort of the empty hollowness I felt when I stepped on the subway last July in NYC and pulled out of Union Square away from J, away from the city. Away from my life.
We told each other...lets not wait 8 years again, okay?
And then, the next day, I lost one of my best friends to the United Kingdom as well. Packed up his belongings into two bags and got on a plane to start a new chapter of his life. It's weird. We spent the entire summer not talking to each other, and we fight more than cats and dogs and he irritates the hell out of me, but he is also always there for me. Will always be there for me, and goodbye was hard. I sometimes feel that all my friends lives are taking off and I'm still here. I'm still here trying to piece my own together and figure it out so I can have that - that moment where you literally feel you're life take flight and begin. I catch glimpses of it when I'm in New York, and I think thats why it's so hard to come home. To stuff myself into...a box?...my reality...here. But that's just it. It is my reality. And I'm learning to accept that and work with it and go with it. Everybody keeps telling me that I'm strong, that I'm figuring it out, that I'm moving forward even if it doesn't feel like it, and I just...I gotta believe them. I gotta believe that I am changing and evolving and moving forward even if I don't feel it, because the minute I stop, the minute I give in...it's over. I gotta make myself believe that I will make it, until one day, I really do. And I will. Right now I just...I feel like the world has more to offer me than I do it. And that's okay.
I imagine what all my friends are doing right now wherever they are. K and D in the UK. J and K in NY. My old roommate, my friends from high school....
I can't believe its October. Where has the year gone?
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