allthewaytonyc

I don't know where I'm at these days, and not even in the "oh god, everything is so awful, I'm so confused, nothing is making sense", kind of way. I can't quite put my finger on it. Things, haven't been going so great, but I don't feel so...stuck? Is that even the right word? It's one I've been using a lot lately to describe myself.

It's 1:05am. I've got to stop doing this. I've been watching the Manhattan in Motion video in repeat, because really, right now, I long to belong to the city. I long for that moment I got off at the wrong subway stop and didn't care. All that mattered was running down 14th street with an oversized suitcase behind me because the city was waiting for me, someone was waiting for me and that fucking moment she opened the door and I threw my arms around her and held on for longer than necessary because I knew what it felt like to belong again. To be apart of something. What I wouldn't give for that moment. I catch glimpses of it, sometimes can feel it in the quietest parts of myself and it all just comes rushing back in. All of it. The street vendors in times square and running in the water at Coney Island and the ice cream truck pulling away from us and Italian dinners and guzzling water and garlic na'an and I swear to god, somedays, it feels like yesterday. Like, if I reached out I could touch those moments. Hold them in my hands.

There's a lot to update on, and it's 1:15am and all I can think about is laying on the couch eating Crumbs cupcakes with you and not caring about the calories while we watched Coming and Going and it had to be have been one of the most monumental moments of my short life so far. And maybe its because for the first time in what felt like for fucking ever, I was enough. Who I was, was just enough and there was no pretending. No anything. It was all just enough.

If I close my eyes and quiet my mind, some nights it feels like I never left. The steady hum of the air conditioner? The traffic and sirens and people outside, the cat squawking in the other room.

It's just all so god damn beautiful.