My head is a little bit clearer today, which I didn't expect because my anxiety got a better hold of me than the natural rhythm of day to day life and resulted in my camping out in my bedroom trying not to act out on any behaviors. But I digress...
I'm going "home." I consider New York to be my home, even though it's not really where I live, but its where my heart is, where my soul is - it's where I know I am supposed to be. I'm the person I am supposed to be when I am there and things just seem clearer and easier and not so heavy. It's beautiful, but it's also hard, because as much as it is my home, my reality is here in Canada and it will be here for a very long time with all the ties and commitments and responsibilities I have to it. This is something I really struggled with at the beginning of the year when I came home from NY in February. It was agonizing. I didn't want to get out of bed because it just felt all so god damn heavy and sad and unbearable. And it was so easy to close my eyes and plan a life in New York and how to get there - use school as an excuse to move, or save up enough money and then live pay cheque to pay cheque for a year or two and figure things out. But it isn't that simple. It's not. My reality is here. My family is here. My life...is here. But, that doesn't mean I can't pack up a few of my things and visit my friends and the city when I need to come up for air. Being here, in Canada, can feel a lot like drowning on dry land with all the shit that goes on. I'm actually so grateful my friend emailed me inviting me to come and stay with her - it's a break I'm looking forward too, immensely. When I posted the other day, my plan was to leave next week, but with July being as crazy busy as it is I had to postpone until the first week of August. It's pretty far away, but at least I know that it is there. That I have a date in sight to hold onto and look forward too.
I'm still super anxious about the behaviors. I'm hoping though that by going back on my anxiety medication this week will help me to better deal with all the anxiety that seem to be drowning me lately. I don't expect it to solve everything, or suddenly make my life a cake walk, but I feel it in combination with therapy will help me to come up with way better coping mechanisms than what I have got. But I'm cautiously optimistic...
Speaking of therapy, I haven't really made a post about it. I started therapy again last month with a new therapist from the hospital I was admitted to when I was 16. I've only had one session so far, but she is super nice and once we got past the initial awkwardness, things were actually shockingly comfortable. I don't ever have much luck getting comfortable with therapists/psychologists (minus Dr. Carter from TGH's ED unit), so I really lucked out. It was all pretty standard for my first session. She talked about herself, I talked about myself just so we could get a better idea about each other. I have another appointment on Friday and she said that's when we'll jump into things more than we did last time.
I guess that is about it for now.
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