i know everything will be alright?

It's booked. The ticket is booked. I'm going. And I am so incredibly anxious about it. I'm actually really happy that I have a therapy appointment tomorrow to talk about why I'm feeling so anxious and try to do something about it.

Don't even get me wrong, I know that once I am there I will be okay and all this anxiety will dissipate and I will be able to enjoy myself and have a good time and everything. I felt very similar in February before heading out, but now things are a little more intense. Money is more tight, I'm less focused and balanced...Basically, I'm a mess. But I recognize this. I recognize that the way I am going is not a way I want to go, nor can it be an option. I'm trying to do the things I know I need to do, like therapy and actually trying to follow a meal plan.

I guess what I struggle with is the fact that the only reason my mom was supportive of me going on this trip is because she thinks it will "fix me." Like New York is some kind of therapeutic treatment center or something. That worries me, because I feel that when I come home she will expect more of me. I'm afraid that I will expect more of me; that I will have to fall into this role of perfect girl whose got it all together. Who can find a job and then balance that on top of paying of student loans and still going to school and staying healthy and being able to make it work. I can't. I'm not saying its impossible, because it is possible. And I know that I am ABLE to do that, but I also recognize that won't happen after a week in New York - that it will take time and a lot of work and a lot of more mistakes to figure things out. I know this, but sometimes, its so hard to remind myself of this, especially when I'm fighting with my mom and feeling like I've let her down. Back in February she told me that when I came home I had to pull my pants up and find a job and start shit. And its now July, and what do I have to show for the past 4 months?

I hope that this time away and with my friend will be able to help me clear my mind enough to come home with a better grasp on myself. A better grasp on how to sit down on my own and devise a blueprint of what I want short term and how I'm going to achieve it; something concrete as a base so that I don't feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheels aimlessly.

This was a giant mess of a post...but that's okay, I think.