because we're going to get donuts tomorrow morning and I'm having a fucking panic attack and my friend's sleeping in the next room and I can't fathom having to eat a fucking donut tomorrow. But I hate being this gross, disgusting person and how do I say no and refuse and then what? Let her see the gross, diseased, miserable person that I truly am - that was hiding when I met her last year? I am so beyond worth nothing and I don't get why she cares about me, why she asked me to come because I fucking hate myself so god damn much and I don't understand how anybody can stand to be around me and I just want to sob and call V because I really don't think I can eat a donut tomorrow. I made a long standing promise to myself that I would never purge in J's apartment or engage in behaviors because I cared too much about her and respect her too much, but how do you fucking promise yourself that? It's like Februrary when she went to book club and all I did was go b/p in times square.
gross. needy. why. I fucking hate needing.
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