I feel very standstill. I feel like there is no purpose in my life. I feel like there is no reason for me to be here. I feel no attachment to this world. No, this isn't a suicide letter. I'm not planning on killing myself - I'm just struggling to find direction and purpose in my life. It's hard when I don't have school or a job or really many friends in this area to get out and do things.
Today was a horrible day in general. There is a lot of family drama going on right now and it's stressing me out beyond belief. And I of course have terrible coping methods which of course doesn't help the situation either. I also stupidly decided to check the balance of my credit card this morning which sent me into a whole fit because I went into overdraft without realizing it and my lack of a job makes that impossible to pay off. I don't want to keep borrowing money from my parents and my sisters, so that just was really upsetting. And then I really missed my friend who lives in New York and I really wanted to be hanging out with her and just, well, escaping my reality.
Here's what I realized while laying on a park bench on Main Street. Running isn't going to solve all my problems. New York isn't going to solve all my problems. Being with J isn't going to solve all my problems. It's a temporary fix. I remember what I felt like when I came home from the city in February after spending a week with J. I was devastated. I was upset. I didn't know what to do with myself and spent time just feeling sorry for myself in bed. I guess while I was there I sort of forget that everything I had just left behind would still be waiting for me when I got back. And that's just the thing, everyday the weight of all the things I carry does get heavier, but because its a day to day process, its not very noticeable. Take yourself out of that for five days and come back, and its like being hit in the face with a bag of bricks. I was thrown back into my life and my problems and my responsibilities and everything I had run away from. I honestly don't even think I would be able to make it through the "coming home" portion if I had just picked up and left for New York tonight like I had planned. My life is here. My responsibilities are here. Unfortunately, so are my problems. And even if I left for New York with no intentions of coming back, my problems would follow me. You can run for a while, but you can't hide forever.
I am trying to remind myself that come September, I will return to school. I have to hold until September. That's what I have been wanting, isn't it? A date? Some sort of set point. I guess when I walked off my job in December, school was still up in the air and there was no "Okay, you will be back at a job/school on this day so you just have to wait until then." It was all, what if I never find direction? What if I never find a job or go back to school and aimlessly spin my wheels forever. September gives me something to hold onto. If I don't find a job from now until September, there is still something waiting for me - that is dependent on me; my attachment to this world. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, I'm tired of being fucking kicked to the ground - my break has to be coming soon, right? Things have to look up? September. I just got to hold onto September and slowly, if I work really hard, things can start to look up.
It's a process. I'm not investing my happiness into school because it only sets me up for failure. I realize in order to be happy - I have to create it. School won't give it to me. Working hard and succeeding at school is creating happiness. In order to work hard and succeed at school, I have to be healthy. It's all a chain. I know I can do it.
Still, it would be nice if I could go to sleep and wake up and it would be September.
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