It does - no matter what happens, life goes on, even if we don't always want it too. I knew saying goodbye to my Uncle was going to be painful and sad and hard, but I didn't expect it to be so unbearable; for it to affect me so deeply. Yes, he was my Uncle, of course it's going to hurt, but there is so much history behind the relationship that doesn't need to be dug up. It's over. It doesn't matter who hurt who and who stopped coming around or who really didn't put in the effort in the last few years. What matters is that he was my Uncle, and he passed away. It is sad. It is going to be sad for the rest of my life.
His funeral service brought up many memories of my Aunt, whom I was very close with. I wasn't expecting it to turn into almost a small tribute to her, but in a way, it did. And I cried. I cried for all the moments I have lost over the past 6 years she hasn't been a part of my life. I feel robbed. Cancer robbed me of my Aunt, of her seeing me graduate high school, or her seeing me get better, of traveling the world, of new years parties and everything else we should have gotten to do together. I miss her. It hurts like a son of a bitch. I felt like I didn't just say goodbye to my Uncle on Tuesday; I felt like I said goodbye to her...again. And there is a dull ache in my heart that I don't quite know how to deal with.
But of course, what's life if you don't get kicked again a few more hundred times after an already craptacular week. I have been having problems with a "friend" for...over a year now. And I hate myself for even saying that, because the fact that it's been fight after fight for over a year now is just an indication to end things, and I have been too much of a coward to do so. I always cave in; I always give one more chance, one more chance and here we are about seven thousand chances later. I don't even want to get into it, but what was said hurt; it stung. Maybe its jealously, maybe its anger, maybe its just annoyance or a whole combination of all of them and them some, but I guess I'd rather cut the people out of my life who make me miserable and be lonely, instead of holding onto them and feeling the way I felt last night. Sometimes, I wonder if its just because of who I am or the things I've been through that make it so hard to be a part of my life. I don't know.
And in addition to the funeral and friend drama, there also is work and family drama. No, I still don't have a job, but I have to deal with crap from my old job tomorrow...in court. I've known about this since January, and believe me, I am not impressed. I don't want to go to court, I don't want to talk, I don't want to be involved in any sort of manner. I always used to be the person who would watch shit television about law and judge the victim for not wanting to put the bad guy behind bars. That's me now. Not giving two fucks. My anxiety is on high already about the whole situation, and what makes it worse is figuring out how I'm even going to get there in the first place. I feel like a giant inconvenience because I don't have my own car, or the proper license to get anywhere and with only one parent that can drive, it makes getting around pretty hard. And everyone makes it seem like its such an inconvenience in their schedule to have to get me there. I hate feeling like that and I do believe that sometimes people's lives would be easier if I just wasn't around. I know how that sounds, and no, I'm not going to throw myself off a bridge, but sometimes I think people lives were easier when I was in the hospital or when I lived on my own.
I just really would like to catch my breath.
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