Maybe I've just watched one too many Bones episodes in the past week, or maybe it's because it's the start of a new year and I've got the clearest head I've ever had in my entire adult life, and perhaps whole life, or maybe it's just a combination of watching all of my friends in these different parts and chapters of their lives all at different ages that I'm just sort of standing in the middle of this, like, insanely crowded sidewalk. Sort of like things are zooming past me and I'm the only recognizable thing because everyone is running and they're a blur, like speeding up a video on a camera during a time lapse video - like manhattan in motion.
I remember so many nights of staying awake and thinking about my eating disorder and about eating disorders in general, and being so stuck in the mind frame. Being so obsessed and so in love with an illness that was killing me, but also giving me a sense of identity and self worth and love and companion and I'm so far removed from it now, which is weird, because I totally went to McDonalds in the first week of the year and binged and purged and the entire time just kept asking myself what I was doing and accomplishing and was this truly making me feel better. Because I let what people say to me affect me so god damn much and I'm a sponge and I absorb all the negative things that people, that my mom, that my friends say through words and between lines and I let it just affect me. Change me. Take over me and render me useless.
I want a baby so bad - not right now. As if. I'm still getting my life in order and working on myself and I'm a pretty rad person, and I'm pretty in love with who I am becoming, and I don't think thats conceited, even if there hadn't been a time where I literally tried to claw out of my skin. I think it's important to say and feel these things and really just confuse ourselves with these weird desires that contradict everything we've ever believed in. To anybody who would listen, I would say New York is my purpose. It's my heart and my soul and my being and it's where I'll be and where I end up. I gush about the top of the rock and sitting in DUMBO, and getting lost in Chinatown and walking bridges when I'm afraid of heights and sitting on my friends futon watching really gay characters on tv while we eat ice cream and laugh, and I've always had this idea in my head since I fell in love with the city the first time that I would do anything to be there. And that I would have this New York life that I would build and if I ever so desired I would get on a plane and go work in a hospital in a country that had absolutely nothing. And I would come home and be changed and do things that really shake me to the core and just have this crazy spontaneous life that reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table with my sister planning a trip to new york. Because it's so beautiful that we're two souls who were in love, and she got her heart broken and still loves and I'm still falling in love with a city that I'm lucky to visit whenever I can get there. And a baby contradicts it all. It's 2am and I can't sleep because maybe I've watched too much bones, or it's a new year and I'm stalking people on facebook like it's my day job or I'm working on college apps, or because I'm thinking about how wanting a child changes everything about anything I've ever wanted for myself. And I think about S, how her life radically changed as a Teen Mom, and how even if she was in her twenties, or thirties, her life still would have radically changed and the fierce love she feels for her daughter.
I'm so confused about my life and I wish I was physically with someone to talk about it, but I'm not, and that's fine because I'm going to be 23 and I've got so much time to figure it out, even though I feel like I'm on these insane deadlines to get my shit together, but I guess I am, you know, getting my shit together.
Is it weird to say I have no idea who I am, but I'm so in love with who I am. Like I finally have some identity even though I don't know what it is. That I'm this really, really, insert adjective I haven't found, person. I know being in school would ease so much more of this confusion, but like for one second I don't regret at all giving up my spot at Fanshawe for a chance of getting into the program at GBC. I don't. It was that leap of faith in believing in myself enough that I could do it, even though I didn't. It was believing myself to be more capable than I would have ever allowed myself to believe. I'm not in school, and it sucks, but it's also beautiful knowing that I do have what it takes and to believe, and keep believing even when shit doesn't work out. I'm going to be in school in the fall and it's going to be great. I'm going to be successful and rock the shit out of my degree.
I'm just going to keep rocking the shit out of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment