two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed

I honestly thought that I would be more sad than I am right now. I mean, I cried a lot yesterday on the bus and when I got home and in the car and at group and everything. It's always overwhelming to come home. It's always a weird feeling to step off the bus some 10...12 hours later and try to place myself back in the city. Like, was I really there 12 hours ago? Was I just sitting in J's apartment on the futon? And now I'm here? I don't know if it is from traveling all day or what, but it's always just so weird to think that just this morning I was there, and now I'm here. So, lol, I cry. I cry and leave awkward voicemails on my friends phone because no matter what, there is always a part of me that aches when I leave the city.

But I'm sitting in my bedroom right now (weird?) watching the Manhattan in Motion video, which it sounds lame, but something I thought I wouldn't be able to do. Simple things like listening to Empire State of Mind and watching this video and other NYC related things. I uploaded all my pictures to facebook and lived every moment again through them and didn't sob hysterically. I laughed and smiled and seeped back into those memories, even for a second. I don't even know why I feel like this or what shifted or anything. All I know is that, yes, I do miss the city, but I'm really, truly, okay.

Maybe this all has to do with the fact that I'm actually going back in two weeks - that in two weeks time I will be back to my "home." I will be back in the company of my favourite new yorker; I will be back to where a squawking cat wakes me up at 4 every morning. I will be back to the MTA instead of the TTC. I will be back to lots and lots of people.

I wish I could say more about this past week. I wish I could just....get it all into words and explain and express. I made it to the last 20 minutes of group last night post 12 hours on a bus and just was so grateful. I sat there and the change within myself was just so god damn present in that moment that it was worth paying the 3$ subway fare to make it. It was worth it all. I think I'm going to go drag the christmas tree upstairs now.