I keep wondering how I got to this point. I keep wondering a lot of things lately. I have to go to work in the morning. Work...I'm sitting here self medicating and prolonging the night because I can't fucking stand the thought of having to go to work tomorrow. I can't stand the thought of actually having to interact with customers and coworkers and people and every head honcho from head office is stopping by and I just can't even fucking fathom being there. I really can't. And yet, I have nobody to blame but myself because everyone is telling me to just quit because I shouldn't deal with this stress and it's doing my head in and they're treating me like shit and yet, I just am fucking sitting here on the verge of sobbing, but god forbid I actually show an emotion, so self medicate. Yeah.
I want to say that I miss New York and J and central park and that moment I laid my head down on the futon and closed my eyes. I want to feel that again, and yet I feel like now I'm just some idiot who runs away when things get hard. Things are hard and I want to go, and I want to stay because I also can't fathom the idea of looking like a fucking dumb shit who can't get their fucking crap together all these years later. Hi. Do you really want to be my friend, because it can get pretty tiring after awhile and deep down inside, I would actually get on my fucking hands and knees and beg you to not leave.
It's exhausting to fight a battle you feel you're losing.
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