So where I'm at these days, hmmm. I'm sitting in Starbucks again, surprise, even though I cannot afford the 3.31$ mocha that I'm drinking. Been a lot of that lately, and still it hasn't stopped me.
Where to even start. I hate that the weather is changing. I hate that I can feel the shift. I hate that I feel that shift inside of me. Despite everything that I'm doing and working on right now (which somehow went from nothing to everything), I still feel so directionless. I feel lost. After work yesterday, I just showed up at my moms office and started crying and I just wanted to tell her, it's more than just work. It's more than anything I can even comprehend right now, but I didn't. I feel...I don't even know if stuck is the word. I think about the future and its a black hole. I think about all the work I'm putting into getting my sciences and I find myself thinking, What even is the point? Why am I working so hard towards this when I don't even know if it's going to work out. And I know, I KNOW that is not a reason to not do something, because yeah, it may not work, but it also may. It's so much more than just that thought and yet I can't even come up with the words to express it.
I feel like I can't tell anybody but my mom about the job situation. I'm happy to have a job, trust me, I am, but I was really misguided in the interview. It IS commission based, and so the stress of trying to make sales is really hard. I worked for three hours yesterday and barely made 50% of my sales goal, which means that if I don't improve that on my next few shifts, I lose 50% of my hours for the following week. Well, as it is, I only am getting like 15 hours. So then what? 7.5 hours a week? 70 bucks? That's the thing, I work a lot of days, but not a lot of hours. Shifts are like 2-3 hours. So by the time I get there and back I'm spending almost just as much I'm making at 70 bucks a week. I am going to keep it regardless for now because its like Blockbuster - money is money. My mom has offered to help me out with my cell phone bill, but I've yet to tell her about that maxed out credit card bill. I also am swimming up to my ears in debt with student loans and owing my sisters money. They keep telling me not to worry about it right now - that they would rather me save my money for school and pay them back second, but it's just like, I hate having it hang over me. I hate money, and yet I'm sitting in starbucks drinking a $3.31 drink. Not even the Christmas Cup is making me feel better.
Tonight I'm going to group and even that, digging up subway for was a nightmare. Dimes. I'm paying for the subway in dimes, because thats really how I've been rolling these past few days. I just want my first paycheque to come in from roots so I can start putting a dent in my bill. I actually entertained the idea of going to work at McDonalds full time. I really don't even fucking care at this point. I wanted to stay out of the food industry so bad, but I just don't even care about myself right now enough to do what is best for me. Like, in my mind, what I see right now is, needing to pay off my debt. And doing what I need to do to do that. And I know that pisses people off and I just don't care. I am so tired of always owing money and I have nobody to blame for that except myself. So really, get myself in? I need to get myself out. I dabbled in the idea of getting my job back at Tim Hortons, but I doubt they would go for that. Not to mention, I just remember how fucking miserable I was. But like, I'm at a point where I just can't even remember that, or am ignoring it or something. Like, that's what it keeps coming down too. I really don't even know. There is something so much bigger going on and people are just like, oh what's wrong, you seem off, is everything okay? Like no, everything is not okay but I don't know why and I am not sure how I'm supposed to figure it out. I don't know how to fix something when I don't even know what the problem is. I want to chalk it up to winter. I want to chalk it up to the fact that I always go crazy, but that's such bull shit because it's an excuse and its a cop out and I'm tired of that for my life.
Still, I wish I could figure out what I'm feeling because than maybe shit would just get easier. Or I'd know what to do or what road to take to try and fix this shit.
I hate this weather. I feel so cold from the inside out.
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