I'm going to New York? What? That sounds really weird to be typing out. I mean, I knew that I was going to New York for NYE, but I'm getting on a bus in less than a week to go for a week. The offer came yesterday night and I've been hemming and hawing all night and all morning about it. So many reasons to go, and so many reasons to not, a big one being money. I really don't have the financial means to be going, and even NYE is pushing it. I haven't been working, clearly, and it is the holiday season meaning lots of shopping to do. But, everybody is encouraging me to go, and I know deep down that it is my choice ultimately.
I feel like something is holding me back and I'm not quite sure yet what that is, but I feel like I always feel this. That ambivalence. Minus the times that I just sort of decided to get on a bus and go and left the next day in 2010. I guess I had money then? Or was just completely off the charts in doing whatever the hell I wanted to do not caring about the consequences. But even in February I was unsure. I remember crying about over the trip at the kitchen table to my mom one night. I remember fighting with her in July about going. And then I look back on the person I was when I came home from those trips. I felt alive again. I look at where I am now versus where I was before I left in July and they don't even compare. I can't even recognize the girl I was in July. I'm not in an amazing place right now eating disorder wise, but I'm in a much better place than I was before. I'm no longer laying awake at 3am freaking out over what will happen if I drink a glass of water. I have been struggling lately, but not anywhere near that degree. I really would like to see J and the city and just be there. I know I'm taking a chance that now things may not work out at New Years, I know that. But, fuck, I'm sitting here thinking, this is a chance I have to take. Or, am willing to take? Whether it works out or not, if I take it, I've taken it. There is no going back.
Other than that. That's pretty much what is going on with me these days. Keeping busy with my Biology. I have a mixture of good days and bad days and I'm just sort of accepting that as the norm and trying to...keep going?
Still, I need better ways to cope and deal.
It snowed today for the first time this year and I haven't taped sheets up over my window yet. I haven't cut my hair or tried to drown myself in the bath tub or run around town in high heels and my bikini at 1 in the morning.
Winter...maybe I'm ready for you this year.
November 30, 2011
November 11, 2011
well i'm gone, this songs your letter.
I keep wondering how I got to this point. I keep wondering a lot of things lately. I have to go to work in the morning. Work...I'm sitting here self medicating and prolonging the night because I can't fucking stand the thought of having to go to work tomorrow. I can't stand the thought of actually having to interact with customers and coworkers and people and every head honcho from head office is stopping by and I just can't even fucking fathom being there. I really can't. And yet, I have nobody to blame but myself because everyone is telling me to just quit because I shouldn't deal with this stress and it's doing my head in and they're treating me like shit and yet, I just am fucking sitting here on the verge of sobbing, but god forbid I actually show an emotion, so self medicate. Yeah.
I want to say that I miss New York and J and central park and that moment I laid my head down on the futon and closed my eyes. I want to feel that again, and yet I feel like now I'm just some idiot who runs away when things get hard. Things are hard and I want to go, and I want to stay because I also can't fathom the idea of looking like a fucking dumb shit who can't get their fucking crap together all these years later. Hi. Do you really want to be my friend, because it can get pretty tiring after awhile and deep down inside, I would actually get on my fucking hands and knees and beg you to not leave.
It's exhausting to fight a battle you feel you're losing.
I want to say that I miss New York and J and central park and that moment I laid my head down on the futon and closed my eyes. I want to feel that again, and yet I feel like now I'm just some idiot who runs away when things get hard. Things are hard and I want to go, and I want to stay because I also can't fathom the idea of looking like a fucking dumb shit who can't get their fucking crap together all these years later. Hi. Do you really want to be my friend, because it can get pretty tiring after awhile and deep down inside, I would actually get on my fucking hands and knees and beg you to not leave.
It's exhausting to fight a battle you feel you're losing.
November 09, 2011
and you'll find somebody you can blame
Meltdown. I had an absolute meltdown in group last night. By the time I had gotten to group, I was already in a bad mood. Traffic was bad and then the subway broke down and it was just a fucking disaster, so by the time I got there we were already halfway through check in's. I pretty much just blew everything off and was like I'm frustrated with my life, that's all. And it was just so fucking noticeable how pissed off and bitchy I was, and still, K, challenged me and asked me if I had an answer to her fucking question. I didn't, obviously. And so, again, she asked people to think of something. KB said I was a worthwhile human being and S said I was beautiful and I just started crying because I'm so god damn tired of being challenged. And of course, it didn't stop there. At the end when there was enough time to talk, I just expressed myself about being challenged; about every week that I hate that I'm put on the spot to answer a question I'm not quite sure I'll ever have an answer too. And I just couldn't stop crying. I said I hear what people say, and I just, how can I even think something of myself when I'm am the girl who always fall short; so close, but just never quite makes it all the way. And she just flat out challenged me with the truth. Told me I have lived my life like this so long, that this is my prison, that I have brainwashed myself so much to believe that I'm really guilty of all these things I'm not; all these things I believe I am...ugly, stupid, unimportant, worthless, uneducated, drop out, unemployed, fat. She told me I've conditioned myself to these thoughts that every week when she asks me if I have an answer to my question, she literally just watches me shut down. That the things I could maybe say or want to say, I can't even let myself believe them so I immediately just shut down.
She's right. Because I want to tell her that I really am a worthwhile person and I am beautiful and I am inspiring and I am kind and caring and funny and helpful and I type these things and I feel guilty. I feel swallowed by guilt, like I've just broke some cardinal rule of how I'm supposed to live my life. Like I've committed an eighth sin. It fucking aches to write things I don't believe myself to even have worth to amount to. I want to believe I can change, but I write these things and try to feel them and I just feel trapped. Thundering, all I can hear is, how can you be any of those things when deep down you know the person you are, the things you've done/haven't done. Who are you kidding? You're a piece of shit and that is all you have ever amounted to.
And then I got home and everything about work surfaced. I laid for hours in bed with my sister just talking about life and so badly I wanted to be connected to all the things going on in her life; so badly I just want to slip out of myself and into the pieces of her life, or someones life, anybodies life, so that I can maybe understand what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be going and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough for me to hold in my hands and carry back to my own life. I laid awake till 3am when I decided that I needed to make myself a feast because that's what I do. That's who I am. And then I sliced my fucking finger open trying to cut a bagel and made a mess. I had to wake up my mom who was angry that I was eating during the night, terrified I was eating during the night, and we talked and talked and I just didn't hold back because it was 3am and who I am in the dark of night is not who I am in the day and sometimes its just easier when it's night and you don't have to play respectable girl whose got it all together.
She called into work for me today. I need a job, but she asked me, at what cost?
I don't know.
I'm not sure of anything these days.
She's right. Because I want to tell her that I really am a worthwhile person and I am beautiful and I am inspiring and I am kind and caring and funny and helpful and I type these things and I feel guilty. I feel swallowed by guilt, like I've just broke some cardinal rule of how I'm supposed to live my life. Like I've committed an eighth sin. It fucking aches to write things I don't believe myself to even have worth to amount to. I want to believe I can change, but I write these things and try to feel them and I just feel trapped. Thundering, all I can hear is, how can you be any of those things when deep down you know the person you are, the things you've done/haven't done. Who are you kidding? You're a piece of shit and that is all you have ever amounted to.
And then I got home and everything about work surfaced. I laid for hours in bed with my sister just talking about life and so badly I wanted to be connected to all the things going on in her life; so badly I just want to slip out of myself and into the pieces of her life, or someones life, anybodies life, so that I can maybe understand what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be going and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough for me to hold in my hands and carry back to my own life. I laid awake till 3am when I decided that I needed to make myself a feast because that's what I do. That's who I am. And then I sliced my fucking finger open trying to cut a bagel and made a mess. I had to wake up my mom who was angry that I was eating during the night, terrified I was eating during the night, and we talked and talked and I just didn't hold back because it was 3am and who I am in the dark of night is not who I am in the day and sometimes its just easier when it's night and you don't have to play respectable girl whose got it all together.
She called into work for me today. I need a job, but she asked me, at what cost?
I don't know.
I'm not sure of anything these days.
November 08, 2011
and the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood
So where I'm at these days, hmmm. I'm sitting in Starbucks again, surprise, even though I cannot afford the 3.31$ mocha that I'm drinking. Been a lot of that lately, and still it hasn't stopped me.
Where to even start. I hate that the weather is changing. I hate that I can feel the shift. I hate that I feel that shift inside of me. Despite everything that I'm doing and working on right now (which somehow went from nothing to everything), I still feel so directionless. I feel lost. After work yesterday, I just showed up at my moms office and started crying and I just wanted to tell her, it's more than just work. It's more than anything I can even comprehend right now, but I didn't. I feel...I don't even know if stuck is the word. I think about the future and its a black hole. I think about all the work I'm putting into getting my sciences and I find myself thinking, What even is the point? Why am I working so hard towards this when I don't even know if it's going to work out. And I know, I KNOW that is not a reason to not do something, because yeah, it may not work, but it also may. It's so much more than just that thought and yet I can't even come up with the words to express it.
I feel like I can't tell anybody but my mom about the job situation. I'm happy to have a job, trust me, I am, but I was really misguided in the interview. It IS commission based, and so the stress of trying to make sales is really hard. I worked for three hours yesterday and barely made 50% of my sales goal, which means that if I don't improve that on my next few shifts, I lose 50% of my hours for the following week. Well, as it is, I only am getting like 15 hours. So then what? 7.5 hours a week? 70 bucks? That's the thing, I work a lot of days, but not a lot of hours. Shifts are like 2-3 hours. So by the time I get there and back I'm spending almost just as much I'm making at 70 bucks a week. I am going to keep it regardless for now because its like Blockbuster - money is money. My mom has offered to help me out with my cell phone bill, but I've yet to tell her about that maxed out credit card bill. I also am swimming up to my ears in debt with student loans and owing my sisters money. They keep telling me not to worry about it right now - that they would rather me save my money for school and pay them back second, but it's just like, I hate having it hang over me. I hate money, and yet I'm sitting in starbucks drinking a $3.31 drink. Not even the Christmas Cup is making me feel better.
Tonight I'm going to group and even that, digging up subway for was a nightmare. Dimes. I'm paying for the subway in dimes, because thats really how I've been rolling these past few days. I just want my first paycheque to come in from roots so I can start putting a dent in my bill. I actually entertained the idea of going to work at McDonalds full time. I really don't even fucking care at this point. I wanted to stay out of the food industry so bad, but I just don't even care about myself right now enough to do what is best for me. Like, in my mind, what I see right now is, needing to pay off my debt. And doing what I need to do to do that. And I know that pisses people off and I just don't care. I am so tired of always owing money and I have nobody to blame for that except myself. So really, get myself in? I need to get myself out. I dabbled in the idea of getting my job back at Tim Hortons, but I doubt they would go for that. Not to mention, I just remember how fucking miserable I was. But like, I'm at a point where I just can't even remember that, or am ignoring it or something. Like, that's what it keeps coming down too. I really don't even know. There is something so much bigger going on and people are just like, oh what's wrong, you seem off, is everything okay? Like no, everything is not okay but I don't know why and I am not sure how I'm supposed to figure it out. I don't know how to fix something when I don't even know what the problem is. I want to chalk it up to winter. I want to chalk it up to the fact that I always go crazy, but that's such bull shit because it's an excuse and its a cop out and I'm tired of that for my life.
Still, I wish I could figure out what I'm feeling because than maybe shit would just get easier. Or I'd know what to do or what road to take to try and fix this shit.
I hate this weather. I feel so cold from the inside out.
Where to even start. I hate that the weather is changing. I hate that I can feel the shift. I hate that I feel that shift inside of me. Despite everything that I'm doing and working on right now (which somehow went from nothing to everything), I still feel so directionless. I feel lost. After work yesterday, I just showed up at my moms office and started crying and I just wanted to tell her, it's more than just work. It's more than anything I can even comprehend right now, but I didn't. I feel...I don't even know if stuck is the word. I think about the future and its a black hole. I think about all the work I'm putting into getting my sciences and I find myself thinking, What even is the point? Why am I working so hard towards this when I don't even know if it's going to work out. And I know, I KNOW that is not a reason to not do something, because yeah, it may not work, but it also may. It's so much more than just that thought and yet I can't even come up with the words to express it.
I feel like I can't tell anybody but my mom about the job situation. I'm happy to have a job, trust me, I am, but I was really misguided in the interview. It IS commission based, and so the stress of trying to make sales is really hard. I worked for three hours yesterday and barely made 50% of my sales goal, which means that if I don't improve that on my next few shifts, I lose 50% of my hours for the following week. Well, as it is, I only am getting like 15 hours. So then what? 7.5 hours a week? 70 bucks? That's the thing, I work a lot of days, but not a lot of hours. Shifts are like 2-3 hours. So by the time I get there and back I'm spending almost just as much I'm making at 70 bucks a week. I am going to keep it regardless for now because its like Blockbuster - money is money. My mom has offered to help me out with my cell phone bill, but I've yet to tell her about that maxed out credit card bill. I also am swimming up to my ears in debt with student loans and owing my sisters money. They keep telling me not to worry about it right now - that they would rather me save my money for school and pay them back second, but it's just like, I hate having it hang over me. I hate money, and yet I'm sitting in starbucks drinking a $3.31 drink. Not even the Christmas Cup is making me feel better.
Tonight I'm going to group and even that, digging up subway for was a nightmare. Dimes. I'm paying for the subway in dimes, because thats really how I've been rolling these past few days. I just want my first paycheque to come in from roots so I can start putting a dent in my bill. I actually entertained the idea of going to work at McDonalds full time. I really don't even fucking care at this point. I wanted to stay out of the food industry so bad, but I just don't even care about myself right now enough to do what is best for me. Like, in my mind, what I see right now is, needing to pay off my debt. And doing what I need to do to do that. And I know that pisses people off and I just don't care. I am so tired of always owing money and I have nobody to blame for that except myself. So really, get myself in? I need to get myself out. I dabbled in the idea of getting my job back at Tim Hortons, but I doubt they would go for that. Not to mention, I just remember how fucking miserable I was. But like, I'm at a point where I just can't even remember that, or am ignoring it or something. Like, that's what it keeps coming down too. I really don't even know. There is something so much bigger going on and people are just like, oh what's wrong, you seem off, is everything okay? Like no, everything is not okay but I don't know why and I am not sure how I'm supposed to figure it out. I don't know how to fix something when I don't even know what the problem is. I want to chalk it up to winter. I want to chalk it up to the fact that I always go crazy, but that's such bull shit because it's an excuse and its a cop out and I'm tired of that for my life.
Still, I wish I could figure out what I'm feeling because than maybe shit would just get easier. Or I'd know what to do or what road to take to try and fix this shit.
I hate this weather. I feel so cold from the inside out.
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