I'm going to New York? What? That sounds really weird to be typing out. I mean, I knew that I was going to New York for NYE, but I'm getting on a bus in less than a week to go for a week. The offer came yesterday night and I've been hemming and hawing all night and all morning about it. So many reasons to go, and so many reasons to not, a big one being money. I really don't have the financial means to be going, and even NYE is pushing it. I haven't been working, clearly, and it is the holiday season meaning lots of shopping to do. But, everybody is encouraging me to go, and I know deep down that it is my choice ultimately.
I feel like something is holding me back and I'm not quite sure yet what that is, but I feel like I always feel this. That ambivalence. Minus the times that I just sort of decided to get on a bus and go and left the next day in 2010. I guess I had money then? Or was just completely off the charts in doing whatever the hell I wanted to do not caring about the consequences. But even in February I was unsure. I remember crying about over the trip at the kitchen table to my mom one night. I remember fighting with her in July about going. And then I look back on the person I was when I came home from those trips. I felt alive again. I look at where I am now versus where I was before I left in July and they don't even compare. I can't even recognize the girl I was in July. I'm not in an amazing place right now eating disorder wise, but I'm in a much better place than I was before. I'm no longer laying awake at 3am freaking out over what will happen if I drink a glass of water. I have been struggling lately, but not anywhere near that degree. I really would like to see J and the city and just be there. I know I'm taking a chance that now things may not work out at New Years, I know that. But, fuck, I'm sitting here thinking, this is a chance I have to take. Or, am willing to take? Whether it works out or not, if I take it, I've taken it. There is no going back.
Other than that. That's pretty much what is going on with me these days. Keeping busy with my Biology. I have a mixture of good days and bad days and I'm just sort of accepting that as the norm and trying to...keep going?
Still, I need better ways to cope and deal.
It snowed today for the first time this year and I haven't taped sheets up over my window yet. I haven't cut my hair or tried to drown myself in the bath tub or run around town in high heels and my bikini at 1 in the morning.
Winter...maybe I'm ready for you this year.
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