sooner or later.

So this is about the time I usually bolt - pack my bags and run to New York City because I'm too overwhelmed, too stressed, too confused, too lost, too unsure, too much, too much, too much. The idea of the future simultaneously thrills me and terrifies me. I had to borrow $225 from my sister to apply to nursing school, and that makes me anxious, because its just more money that I already owe her. It's more money and I want to want to believe in myself, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't pull this off, and I don't know how to convince myself otherwise. I'm smart, and I'm capable, and I can't translate that enough into, "You can do this." I think I know I can, but then I get scared. I'm working my ass off and I'm just scared it won't be enough.

I feel like I'm changing faster than I ever have at any point in my life. I feel like I'm growing and evolving and shifting and I am so aware of that in my friendships, in the way I interact with certain family members now, in the way I just had the courage to admit a secret that I'd be carrying around for over a year. And I look back and think these are such good changes, and some of them I'm happy for, but others, I want to just scream and shout that I wasn't ready, that I'm not ready, that I'm afraid the change is going to happen and I will want to go back. I feel like I've lived my life like this for so long - try to make the change, and make part of it before deciding no, must go back. And I know that that is a cop out and that that is an excuse but I just don't know how to change it because it scares me.

I had a heart to heart tonight with one of my best friends, and I feel like it's the strongest our friendship has ever been even though he is on the other side of the world right now living out his dream. I just was so honest with him about where I've been at lately, the things that are going on and in return he just was too. And I know that I've always been able to tell him everything, for the most part, and we've been close for so long, but I don't know how to explain it. The same way I can't explain the difference I feel in another friendship all because I found the balls to tell the truth. It's a change and it's a shift I can't explain and that is the change I was ready for. I just wish I could feel this is the other parts of my life that are changing.

I miss the city and people in the city, and I wish it were as simple as getting on a bus and going. But I have to stay here. I have to stay here because if I bolt, I'm never going to learn to be ready.

I can do this. I wonder how many times I'll have to say that to myself until it starts to stick.