Say what? Incredibly long time, no blog. And for once, I can actually say, that yes, I really have been too busy to blog. I've been studying like mad crazy for my biology exam, which is in exactly and hour and a half. It's weird to have the time to sit in Starbucks and blog for an exam. I'm usually that person trying to cram in last minute information because I left studying to the last minute. But not this time.
The stress leading up to this exam has been an incredibly different stress than I'm used too. Usually I'm frantically freaking out over things I don't know because I haven't gone to class, or done the work or done the readings and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to wing my way through some bull shit to get a passing mark. But my stress this time has come from the fact, "What if I don't get perfect?" I know how that sounds, and I know that my goal shouldn't be 100%, but that's where the stress has stemmed from. I'm actually not afraid at all that I will fail, because I know my stuff well enough that I won't. And that's a first. And this stress that I feel right now weighs less than the stress I'm used too. So when people say don't stress out, you're gonna do fine, that's not why I'm stressing out. But, still, it's appreciated. I'm going into this exam and all I can ask of myself is to answer each question to the best of my ability and be okay with that, whatever the mark is. Whether its a 60, or a 90 or 100%, so long as I did the best that I could, than isn't that as close to perfection as you can get?
And once this exam is over, I'm going to drown in books. I'm going catch up and I'm going to get excited for New York. Yes New York. I leave on Saturday. The excitement is there underneath everything that I'm feeling for this exam. To be back in my city, in the center of my universe. It's just... I don't know. :)
This entry is so all over the place, haha. I don't know. I just, things are all over the place lately, but in that really good way of not even trying so hard to contain everything into a box and everything be black and white. Life is messy, mine is extremely messy, and I'm learning to just go with that.
March 01, 2012
you are more
Every time I have sat down and wrote about being in recovery/being recovered, I have always felt the need to justify it. I always felt compelled to just try so hard to prove a point of, "I'm recovered, I know I've said this before, so fuck you if you think it's just empty words." And it wasn't necessarily that I thought I would "go back" or that I didn't believe in myself, but it's hard to make yourself believe otherwise when you're used to a constant pattern.
But things feel different this time around. There is something inside of me, that I can't quite reach to bring up and explain. I don't even know if it is something that I can describe, but instead something I can just feel. When I say I don't want to ever go back, I don't ever want to go back. And I know that nobody every truly wants to go back, but when things get hard, it's always the more "desirable" option because it feels safe in the familiarity. I can't ever fathom the idea of going back. I can't ever fathom the idea of being sick again. I can't fathom the idea of having an eating disorder again.
I look at the past stretch of time (because I can't tell you where...this, for lack of a better word, all began and when it will end.) and see the ways I have changed and grown. The ways I have pushed myself to succeed, to believe in myself, to change and learn to adapt to change. I know I have said it a lot, and heard it a lot for that matter, but I have come a very long way. I have become, becoming?, the person that I want to be. A person who understands what it means to live and be alive and feel and have good conversations over a slice of cheesecake with my girlfriends. A person who sees myself for what I can do, what I can be. The abilities I have, the talent, the brain, all of it. And fuck, lets throw beauty in there too.
I believe that you can be recovered - that life doesn't have to be lived in a limbo of always being "in recovery." I don't believe that we have to live our lives with one foot in each world. Do I believe that everyday is a fight? Yes. Every god damn day is a fight regardless of what you have gone through and lived through. That's what life is.
I beginning to like the person that I am these days.
One day, maybe I could even love her too.
But things feel different this time around. There is something inside of me, that I can't quite reach to bring up and explain. I don't even know if it is something that I can describe, but instead something I can just feel. When I say I don't want to ever go back, I don't ever want to go back. And I know that nobody every truly wants to go back, but when things get hard, it's always the more "desirable" option because it feels safe in the familiarity. I can't ever fathom the idea of going back. I can't ever fathom the idea of being sick again. I can't fathom the idea of having an eating disorder again.
I look at the past stretch of time (because I can't tell you where...this, for lack of a better word, all began and when it will end.) and see the ways I have changed and grown. The ways I have pushed myself to succeed, to believe in myself, to change and learn to adapt to change. I know I have said it a lot, and heard it a lot for that matter, but I have come a very long way. I have become, becoming?, the person that I want to be. A person who understands what it means to live and be alive and feel and have good conversations over a slice of cheesecake with my girlfriends. A person who sees myself for what I can do, what I can be. The abilities I have, the talent, the brain, all of it. And fuck, lets throw beauty in there too.
I believe that you can be recovered - that life doesn't have to be lived in a limbo of always being "in recovery." I don't believe that we have to live our lives with one foot in each world. Do I believe that everyday is a fight? Yes. Every god damn day is a fight regardless of what you have gone through and lived through. That's what life is.
I beginning to like the person that I am these days.
One day, maybe I could even love her too.
February 16, 2012
sooner or later.
So this is about the time I usually bolt - pack my bags and run to New York City because I'm too overwhelmed, too stressed, too confused, too lost, too unsure, too much, too much, too much. The idea of the future simultaneously thrills me and terrifies me. I had to borrow $225 from my sister to apply to nursing school, and that makes me anxious, because its just more money that I already owe her. It's more money and I want to want to believe in myself, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't pull this off, and I don't know how to convince myself otherwise. I'm smart, and I'm capable, and I can't translate that enough into, "You can do this." I think I know I can, but then I get scared. I'm working my ass off and I'm just scared it won't be enough.
I feel like I'm changing faster than I ever have at any point in my life. I feel like I'm growing and evolving and shifting and I am so aware of that in my friendships, in the way I interact with certain family members now, in the way I just had the courage to admit a secret that I'd be carrying around for over a year. And I look back and think these are such good changes, and some of them I'm happy for, but others, I want to just scream and shout that I wasn't ready, that I'm not ready, that I'm afraid the change is going to happen and I will want to go back. I feel like I've lived my life like this for so long - try to make the change, and make part of it before deciding no, must go back. And I know that that is a cop out and that that is an excuse but I just don't know how to change it because it scares me.
I had a heart to heart tonight with one of my best friends, and I feel like it's the strongest our friendship has ever been even though he is on the other side of the world right now living out his dream. I just was so honest with him about where I've been at lately, the things that are going on and in return he just was too. And I know that I've always been able to tell him everything, for the most part, and we've been close for so long, but I don't know how to explain it. The same way I can't explain the difference I feel in another friendship all because I found the balls to tell the truth. It's a change and it's a shift I can't explain and that is the change I was ready for. I just wish I could feel this is the other parts of my life that are changing.
I miss the city and people in the city, and I wish it were as simple as getting on a bus and going. But I have to stay here. I have to stay here because if I bolt, I'm never going to learn to be ready.
I can do this. I wonder how many times I'll have to say that to myself until it starts to stick.
I feel like I'm changing faster than I ever have at any point in my life. I feel like I'm growing and evolving and shifting and I am so aware of that in my friendships, in the way I interact with certain family members now, in the way I just had the courage to admit a secret that I'd be carrying around for over a year. And I look back and think these are such good changes, and some of them I'm happy for, but others, I want to just scream and shout that I wasn't ready, that I'm not ready, that I'm afraid the change is going to happen and I will want to go back. I feel like I've lived my life like this for so long - try to make the change, and make part of it before deciding no, must go back. And I know that that is a cop out and that that is an excuse but I just don't know how to change it because it scares me.
I had a heart to heart tonight with one of my best friends, and I feel like it's the strongest our friendship has ever been even though he is on the other side of the world right now living out his dream. I just was so honest with him about where I've been at lately, the things that are going on and in return he just was too. And I know that I've always been able to tell him everything, for the most part, and we've been close for so long, but I don't know how to explain it. The same way I can't explain the difference I feel in another friendship all because I found the balls to tell the truth. It's a change and it's a shift I can't explain and that is the change I was ready for. I just wish I could feel this is the other parts of my life that are changing.
I miss the city and people in the city, and I wish it were as simple as getting on a bus and going. But I have to stay here. I have to stay here because if I bolt, I'm never going to learn to be ready.
I can do this. I wonder how many times I'll have to say that to myself until it starts to stick.
January 27, 2012
& i would have stayed up with you all night had i known how to save a life.
This date sneaks up on me every year and catches me by surprise. The "it-feels-like-just-yesterday" has started to fade. The absence I feel as a result of your death is always present. The moments where I want to call you up to tell you something have long since stopped. I know I will never get over your death, but I have finally accepted it.
Five years is a long time without you. Five years is really a long time without anyone. Five years of false promises that in your death I would take recovery seriously; that I would stop treating my life like it was a game that I could never lose, that I would stop playing the odds as if I were above everything that killed you. Five years of relapse, of giving up, of treatment, of hospitals, of therapy, of group, of putting in a half ass effort to, what I am learning now, was a pathetic attempt to convince myself. Convince myself that you could be in recovery while simultaneously losing weight. That recovery meant it was really okay to binge and purge so long as you had control - that going days without eating was really okay, because if you're in control... Five years of lying to myself, and where have I gotten?
Last July, I gave myself six months to live and if at the end of those six months, things were still the same, then I had full permission to just check out of life. That I had played my part and done what I felt I was supposed to do, and I could peace out and be done. And those six months, were not easy. There wasn't some life changing moment where I realized life was worth the fight and that if I just gave myself time, things could get better; I could make things better. But to say that I did not change over these past six months would be a lie. In the subtle, smallest ways I have changed and that has made it worth the fight.
I don't make promises to you anymore. I don't make promises in your death. I've long stopped. But I've been learning to make promises to myself; learning to be accountable to myself. Learning with the help of the people who populate my life with their unconditional love for me, with their eccentricities, with all the pieces that make up who they are. I'm trying, now. Really trying. Really forcing myself out of this eating disordered world. I wish you could see the things that I am doing, meet the people who have brought out the best in me, but also meet the people who brought out the worst in me, because it was all just a learning experience. Like you. You were a learning experience, ARE, a learning experience. These past five years without you have been a learning experience.
Life is so short, and we only get one shot at it, as far as we know. I can't fathom the idea of leaving the people I love the way that you left me. I can't fathom passing my pain onto the people who have loved me and supported me and been there for me. I can't fathom how you were okay to do that to me, but I forgive you and it is time for me to move on now.
It's time for me to keep living.
Five years is a long time without you. Five years is really a long time without anyone. Five years of false promises that in your death I would take recovery seriously; that I would stop treating my life like it was a game that I could never lose, that I would stop playing the odds as if I were above everything that killed you. Five years of relapse, of giving up, of treatment, of hospitals, of therapy, of group, of putting in a half ass effort to, what I am learning now, was a pathetic attempt to convince myself. Convince myself that you could be in recovery while simultaneously losing weight. That recovery meant it was really okay to binge and purge so long as you had control - that going days without eating was really okay, because if you're in control... Five years of lying to myself, and where have I gotten?
Last July, I gave myself six months to live and if at the end of those six months, things were still the same, then I had full permission to just check out of life. That I had played my part and done what I felt I was supposed to do, and I could peace out and be done. And those six months, were not easy. There wasn't some life changing moment where I realized life was worth the fight and that if I just gave myself time, things could get better; I could make things better. But to say that I did not change over these past six months would be a lie. In the subtle, smallest ways I have changed and that has made it worth the fight.
I don't make promises to you anymore. I don't make promises in your death. I've long stopped. But I've been learning to make promises to myself; learning to be accountable to myself. Learning with the help of the people who populate my life with their unconditional love for me, with their eccentricities, with all the pieces that make up who they are. I'm trying, now. Really trying. Really forcing myself out of this eating disordered world. I wish you could see the things that I am doing, meet the people who have brought out the best in me, but also meet the people who brought out the worst in me, because it was all just a learning experience. Like you. You were a learning experience, ARE, a learning experience. These past five years without you have been a learning experience.
Life is so short, and we only get one shot at it, as far as we know. I can't fathom the idea of leaving the people I love the way that you left me. I can't fathom passing my pain onto the people who have loved me and supported me and been there for me. I can't fathom how you were okay to do that to me, but I forgive you and it is time for me to move on now.
It's time for me to keep living.
January 25, 2012
the light meets the dark
I have all these ideas about what recovery means to me and what that looks like. I don't really know where they come from and what it all means, or even if it's how it will look for me down the line from now. I've been doing so much thinking about the eating disorder world and if we ever really do leave it, fully, I mean. I want to reject Marya Hornbacher so badly when she says you never come back all the way. That you always have one foot in a world where everything is backwards and upside down and sad. I want to reject this because it pisses me off. And I feel like it just gives me an excuse to be like, well if that's always how its going to be, than really, what is the point?
But I've really been contemplating this, do we ever leave it fully? I see people who are recovered, hear stories of people who are recovered, like K, and it makes me long for a formula - one solid answer. I know it's different for everyone, but I want a formula for recovery. I want to know how to get from B to A. I want to know if that's possible, or if we just stay in some limbo.
But truly - years down the road from now when someone is doing better, can we still be so heavily impacted by the eating disorder in the most subtle of ways? A comment about weight, or a diet, or calories - doesn't it all just revert back to the eating disorder? My cousins wife's daughter from her first relationship told my niece that she was fat at Christmas. And I listened to my niece go on and on about how she was going to go on a diet, and that she weighs herself every single day. She's 9. And right away, my mind just reverts to the eating disorder - to that time in my life. And it's moments like that that make me think, do we ever truly leave it? Or are we forever living with one foot in the world?
I have this ridiculous notion that I'm going to get together with all my friends who were sick at one point in time, and we're all going to be recovered, and talking about the menial tasks of life that really, aren't so menial. Tasks that I didn't think I would live to be able to do - picking out towels for the guest room, getting the mail, paying bills. Simple, stupid, everyday shit. But simple, stupid, everyday shit that exists in the real world. And that's the difference.
This was just a giant 1 in the morning ramble because I can't sleep and because I truly want to believe we can leave the eating disorder world, despite the evidence to the contrary.
But I've really been contemplating this, do we ever leave it fully? I see people who are recovered, hear stories of people who are recovered, like K, and it makes me long for a formula - one solid answer. I know it's different for everyone, but I want a formula for recovery. I want to know how to get from B to A. I want to know if that's possible, or if we just stay in some limbo.
But truly - years down the road from now when someone is doing better, can we still be so heavily impacted by the eating disorder in the most subtle of ways? A comment about weight, or a diet, or calories - doesn't it all just revert back to the eating disorder? My cousins wife's daughter from her first relationship told my niece that she was fat at Christmas. And I listened to my niece go on and on about how she was going to go on a diet, and that she weighs herself every single day. She's 9. And right away, my mind just reverts to the eating disorder - to that time in my life. And it's moments like that that make me think, do we ever truly leave it? Or are we forever living with one foot in the world?
I have this ridiculous notion that I'm going to get together with all my friends who were sick at one point in time, and we're all going to be recovered, and talking about the menial tasks of life that really, aren't so menial. Tasks that I didn't think I would live to be able to do - picking out towels for the guest room, getting the mail, paying bills. Simple, stupid, everyday shit. But simple, stupid, everyday shit that exists in the real world. And that's the difference.
This was just a giant 1 in the morning ramble because I can't sleep and because I truly want to believe we can leave the eating disorder world, despite the evidence to the contrary.
January 22, 2012
i like it in the city when two worlds collide
Where am I at these days? Somewhere in the middle, I like to believe anyways. I don't know, I feel ridiculous saying it, but I sort of just like gave up when I got home from New York and when things got tough. And like that's really what always happens. Things get hard, reality hits me, and I just decide to stop fighting. Like, I went out for lunch today with a friend who said it so well. Getting better and being better - I know I can do that here and there. And it's right, being better and being healthy and being the person I'm supposed to be - I know that I can do that in New York. I know HOW to do that in New York. And like, then I come home, I'm forced back into a reality that I don't want and somehow I tell myself that I don't know how to do it here.
The thing is, I know how to do it here. If I can do it in New York, that has to mean I can do it here, I'm just choosing to not, or ... not trying hard enough? Maybe? I don't know. Things are so much more on track now than they were when 2011 came to a close and when this year first started. We're only a few weeks in, but I feel like I've got a better grip on things right now than I did when the year started. It was like, I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be and how to get there. It's like, I knew the way and yet I was still so incredibly lost, if that makes any sense. Like that quote "Have you ever been so lost? Known the way and still so lost?"
School is going really well right now. I'm sitting at a 99.3% average for my biology which I'm extremely thrilled with. I have to sign up for Grade 11 Chemistry and then of course, do grade 12. I'm hoping to be done with high school in the middle of march, if not the end.
I guess that's all there is to update? I don't know. I feel like I lead a very boring life, but I guess I'm okay with that.
The thing is, I know how to do it here. If I can do it in New York, that has to mean I can do it here, I'm just choosing to not, or ... not trying hard enough? Maybe? I don't know. Things are so much more on track now than they were when 2011 came to a close and when this year first started. We're only a few weeks in, but I feel like I've got a better grip on things right now than I did when the year started. It was like, I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be and how to get there. It's like, I knew the way and yet I was still so incredibly lost, if that makes any sense. Like that quote "Have you ever been so lost? Known the way and still so lost?"
School is going really well right now. I'm sitting at a 99.3% average for my biology which I'm extremely thrilled with. I have to sign up for Grade 11 Chemistry and then of course, do grade 12. I'm hoping to be done with high school in the middle of march, if not the end.
I guess that's all there is to update? I don't know. I feel like I lead a very boring life, but I guess I'm okay with that.
December 14, 2011
two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed
I honestly thought that I would be more sad than I am right now. I mean, I cried a lot yesterday on the bus and when I got home and in the car and at group and everything. It's always overwhelming to come home. It's always a weird feeling to step off the bus some 10...12 hours later and try to place myself back in the city. Like, was I really there 12 hours ago? Was I just sitting in J's apartment on the futon? And now I'm here? I don't know if it is from traveling all day or what, but it's always just so weird to think that just this morning I was there, and now I'm here. So, lol, I cry. I cry and leave awkward voicemails on my friends phone because no matter what, there is always a part of me that aches when I leave the city.
But I'm sitting in my bedroom right now (weird?) watching the Manhattan in Motion video, which it sounds lame, but something I thought I wouldn't be able to do. Simple things like listening to Empire State of Mind and watching this video and other NYC related things. I uploaded all my pictures to facebook and lived every moment again through them and didn't sob hysterically. I laughed and smiled and seeped back into those memories, even for a second. I don't even know why I feel like this or what shifted or anything. All I know is that, yes, I do miss the city, but I'm really, truly, okay.
Maybe this all has to do with the fact that I'm actually going back in two weeks - that in two weeks time I will be back to my "home." I will be back in the company of my favourite new yorker; I will be back to where a squawking cat wakes me up at 4 every morning. I will be back to the MTA instead of the TTC. I will be back to lots and lots of people.
I wish I could say more about this past week. I wish I could just....get it all into words and explain and express. I made it to the last 20 minutes of group last night post 12 hours on a bus and just was so grateful. I sat there and the change within myself was just so god damn present in that moment that it was worth paying the 3$ subway fare to make it. It was worth it all. I think I'm going to go drag the christmas tree upstairs now.
But I'm sitting in my bedroom right now (weird?) watching the Manhattan in Motion video, which it sounds lame, but something I thought I wouldn't be able to do. Simple things like listening to Empire State of Mind and watching this video and other NYC related things. I uploaded all my pictures to facebook and lived every moment again through them and didn't sob hysterically. I laughed and smiled and seeped back into those memories, even for a second. I don't even know why I feel like this or what shifted or anything. All I know is that, yes, I do miss the city, but I'm really, truly, okay.
Maybe this all has to do with the fact that I'm actually going back in two weeks - that in two weeks time I will be back to my "home." I will be back in the company of my favourite new yorker; I will be back to where a squawking cat wakes me up at 4 every morning. I will be back to the MTA instead of the TTC. I will be back to lots and lots of people.
I wish I could say more about this past week. I wish I could just....get it all into words and explain and express. I made it to the last 20 minutes of group last night post 12 hours on a bus and just was so grateful. I sat there and the change within myself was just so god damn present in that moment that it was worth paying the 3$ subway fare to make it. It was worth it all. I think I'm going to go drag the christmas tree upstairs now.
December 13, 2011
it hasn't felt like home before you
It's 5am. I've just said goodbye to J. Seriously, where has this week gone? I remember sitting on the bus last week thinking about this moment - thinking about my last night and what I would be doing and how I would be feeling. This part never gets easier; it's the worst part and simultaneously the best part. It sucks because leaving the one place you know you belong and can't stay has got to be one of the worst feelings in the entire world, but knowing that leaving means you just get to come back again is also a very....rewarding? feeling. And I'm coming back in just a matter of weeks, so it really all does feel different this time, but also the same. Hmmm. I'm wondering how that can be. I'm not looking forward to the bus ride however.
I talked a lot this week with J about my life and about where I have been. All week I have thought about where I was this summer when I came to where I am now, and I truly cannot even place that girl to who I am, especially now. I remember going to the Donut Plant in the summer and nervously picking at it and only being able to manage half because I was so sure my ass was going to expand instantly and I would lose control and be a giant fucking mess and then now, when I just order a donut without thinking and eat it without thinking and just have a good time. I can't even REMEMBER what I talked about with J while I was at the DP in the summer because I was just so god damn lost into my eating disorder. I sort of am just sitting here just....I don't know. This whole change?
I need to get the rest of my things together so that I am not frantically running around trying to catch the subway at last minute to get the bus. I hope that my bus is semi on time tonight so I can make it back for koom bi a because I just really want to be there for the last group and just, I don't know. Everything about this trip is just always so heavy (in a good way) in my whole entire being and group is the perfect place to just....get it all out.
I'm going to be okay.
I talked a lot this week with J about my life and about where I have been. All week I have thought about where I was this summer when I came to where I am now, and I truly cannot even place that girl to who I am, especially now. I remember going to the Donut Plant in the summer and nervously picking at it and only being able to manage half because I was so sure my ass was going to expand instantly and I would lose control and be a giant fucking mess and then now, when I just order a donut without thinking and eat it without thinking and just have a good time. I can't even REMEMBER what I talked about with J while I was at the DP in the summer because I was just so god damn lost into my eating disorder. I sort of am just sitting here just....I don't know. This whole change?
I need to get the rest of my things together so that I am not frantically running around trying to catch the subway at last minute to get the bus. I hope that my bus is semi on time tonight so I can make it back for koom bi a because I just really want to be there for the last group and just, I don't know. Everything about this trip is just always so heavy (in a good way) in my whole entire being and group is the perfect place to just....get it all out.
I'm going to be okay.
December 07, 2011
brave.
It's 1:18am and I'm going to kick myself tomorrow when J wakes me up to go skating, but I don't really care. I'm sitting in the living room looking out at the city and I want to just cry because it's all so god damn beautiful - more beautiful than I can even put into words and I don't even want to try because I just don't think I can encapsulate it all. I love here....I love being here. I love being here with someone who loves and appreciates New York more than me because there is just so much to learn. Stories and places and pictures and smiles and laughs - soul opening laughs - and from the very first time I stepped foot into this city in 2009 I always knew that it was special to me. I'm so different from that girl. But that's what I really love about New York, no matter how long it's been, it's still the same and yet so different and it's really at these moments that I notice even the slightest differences in myself.
I wish I could just capture this moment. I wish there was some way to hold it in my hands and come back to it whenever I need to. It sounds ridiculous - all of this does, and I'm just so past the point of even caring. I want to let loose and scream and laugh and smile and eat really good food and love it. I want to dance all night and sing at the top of my lungs and be okay with it. Because fuck, I think about sitting in group when K asks me all the time, but what else are you? And it's such a god damn struggle to say anything, so I just say what I always say after its choked out of me, but I just want to scream right now that I'm brave and I'm beautiful and I'm funny and I'm smart and I'm caring and I'm kind and I'm so many things and have so much potential to be these things and be the person I'm supposed to be, whoever that is, and I can do that. That's who I am here. Everything is balanced and centered and my friends in the next room sleeping and I just want to say Thank You for changing my life. Thank you for sharing this with me and letting me be apart of it because fuck, it feels so good to be apart of something, whatever it is. I walk down the streets of NYC and know this is where I'm meant to be. I sit on the subway and I wish I could just explain it, you know? I wish I could make my mom understand, make people understand that this is the only thing I'm sure about in my life. That honest to god, my purpose in life is this city. it's not the future children I may or may not have, it's not the person I've been crushing on for the past year, it's not to cure cancer or be a book publisher or a doctor or anything. It's this city. That simple and that complicated.
My first night here in July I just laid on the futon and cried. I cried because I felt disgusting and so unworthy of being here and being friends with J and crying over a fucking donut and I'm sitting in the exact same spot and I just can't even put myself to that girl. Which is strange because its 130 in the morning and the night is when I always slip away, and I'm so god damn present right now and I want more than anything to stay here.
I wish I could just capture this moment. I wish there was some way to hold it in my hands and come back to it whenever I need to. It sounds ridiculous - all of this does, and I'm just so past the point of even caring. I want to let loose and scream and laugh and smile and eat really good food and love it. I want to dance all night and sing at the top of my lungs and be okay with it. Because fuck, I think about sitting in group when K asks me all the time, but what else are you? And it's such a god damn struggle to say anything, so I just say what I always say after its choked out of me, but I just want to scream right now that I'm brave and I'm beautiful and I'm funny and I'm smart and I'm caring and I'm kind and I'm so many things and have so much potential to be these things and be the person I'm supposed to be, whoever that is, and I can do that. That's who I am here. Everything is balanced and centered and my friends in the next room sleeping and I just want to say Thank You for changing my life. Thank you for sharing this with me and letting me be apart of it because fuck, it feels so good to be apart of something, whatever it is. I walk down the streets of NYC and know this is where I'm meant to be. I sit on the subway and I wish I could just explain it, you know? I wish I could make my mom understand, make people understand that this is the only thing I'm sure about in my life. That honest to god, my purpose in life is this city. it's not the future children I may or may not have, it's not the person I've been crushing on for the past year, it's not to cure cancer or be a book publisher or a doctor or anything. It's this city. That simple and that complicated.
My first night here in July I just laid on the futon and cried. I cried because I felt disgusting and so unworthy of being here and being friends with J and crying over a fucking donut and I'm sitting in the exact same spot and I just can't even put myself to that girl. Which is strange because its 130 in the morning and the night is when I always slip away, and I'm so god damn present right now and I want more than anything to stay here.
December 06, 2011
and it's all coming back to me.
Sitting on the bus right now. The internet is kind of shoddy, so hopefully this posts when I'm done. It's just a little before five, meaning I've been on the bus for the past five hours. Feels like a lot longer, really. It's been pretty good so far. I had a really awful experience with MegaBus in the past so I was about weary about riding it, but it's been smooth sailing for far (fingers crossed as I still have six more hours to go!). I've had two seats to myself near the stair case (extra foot room) for the entire ride. We have one more stop in syracuse and then one hand in the air for the big city. Syracuse is always a busy station so I assume it could get super busy there....who knows. Hopefully it's not too bad because S-NYC is still a good portion of the journey and I'm probably going to pass out soon.
I'm excited to go. I really am. I felt pretty much how I expected I would feel last night. I don't know, its that whole before you leave anticipation that rubs me in the wrong way. I just get really nervous and anxiety ridden and just really am not sure what to do with myself. I stayed up pretty late sort of just whatever, so I wasn't feeling 100% this morning, but popped some ativan and was good to go.
I'm excited. I really am. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know I'm going to be there tonight. That I'm going to sleep on J's futon and I'm going to hear the people and the traffic and the noise and the sirens and I'm going to be okay.
New York....I'm ready for you.
I'm excited to go. I really am. I felt pretty much how I expected I would feel last night. I don't know, its that whole before you leave anticipation that rubs me in the wrong way. I just get really nervous and anxiety ridden and just really am not sure what to do with myself. I stayed up pretty late sort of just whatever, so I wasn't feeling 100% this morning, but popped some ativan and was good to go.
I'm excited. I really am. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know I'm going to be there tonight. That I'm going to sleep on J's futon and I'm going to hear the people and the traffic and the noise and the sirens and I'm going to be okay.
New York....I'm ready for you.
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