i have to go.
i can't stay.

i will die here.

where do we go from here?

So what's happened over the past two years? My last post was such a positive outlook onto what 2013 could be - and for the most part it stayed like that. Things in my life really did start to change and get better that year. I went to NYC in April with a good friend and got to experience the city in a way I wasn't used to. I worked two different golf course jobs. I went back to NYC in September and met up with my friend K from England who was roadtripping across America. But things started to get a little bit hard after that. I got rejected from nursing school, which I took incredibly hard. Things at home were at an all time bad and I was within days of being kicked out. So, on a whim, I applied to a lesser program far away - my top choice from 2012 that I had turned down.

And I got in.

I moved at the beginning of January 2014, almost three hours away - not really sure what my life was going to be. But I knew that I wanted to make it work this time - that this program was the answer to finally getting into nursing school. So I started working with a counsellor on campus - who changed my life so incredibly. And despite how hard things got at school, I finished first semester as one of the top kids in my class.

Summer - I had to move back home. And I couldn't find a job. Things sucked. Things were really, really, fucking hard. And so I started making trips out every few weeks to meet my counsellor from school to try and hold myself together. And come September, I moved back, and felt very unsure about finishing up my program. I didn't feel I had the same drive or stability after such a rocky summer. I tried to withdraw twice, but my counsellor fought for me to see I had reasons to keep going. And somehow - I really don't know how - I made it. I finished within the top 8 of my class.

And now its 2015. I'm off for the next 8 months until nursing school begins (provided I get in!). And I tried to make it work in my school city, but lack of a job, means being homeless and I had to pack up and come back home. Which hasn't been easy. Home is where things fall apart -where I fall apart against all better judgement because I don't know how to be who I am here. I don't know how to maintain that and fight for that and hold onto that when everybody around me is trying to bury me, break me, push me to the edge.

I don't know where I go from here.
I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm gonna fucking ruin everything. My counsellor is going on Mat Leave and I won't see her for about a year and a half. I'm afraid that when I see her next everything will be shot to shit and I can't even fucking bear the thought of showing up like that.

I don't know what to do. Relapse feels imminent. Like that silhouette you just slip into with ease. That whispers. Shh. It's okay. You're home now. You can close your eyes.

hold on to hope love

Sometimes, I'm afraid that a relapse is just imminent. That I'm going to wake up in 6 months and I'm going to wonder what the fuck happened and how I got there and how I worked so hard to become who I am and it will all be gone.

A lot has happened over the past two years. And maybe when I'm in the mood, I'll blog about it.

lights dim

Maybe I've just watched one too many Bones episodes in the past week, or maybe it's because it's the start of a new year and I've got the clearest head I've ever had in my entire adult life, and perhaps whole life, or maybe it's just a combination of watching all of my friends in these different parts and chapters of their lives all at different ages that I'm just sort of standing in the middle of this, like, insanely crowded sidewalk. Sort of like things are zooming past me and I'm the only recognizable thing because everyone is running and they're a blur, like speeding up a video on a camera during a time lapse video - like manhattan in motion.

I remember so many nights of staying awake and thinking about my eating disorder and about eating disorders in general, and being so stuck in the mind frame. Being so obsessed and so in love with an illness that was killing me, but also giving me a sense of identity and self worth and love and companion and I'm so far removed from it now, which is weird, because I totally went to McDonalds in the first week of the year and binged and purged and the entire time just kept asking myself what I was doing and accomplishing and was this truly making me feel better. Because I let what people say to me affect me so god damn much and I'm a sponge and I absorb all the negative things that people, that my mom, that my friends say through words and between lines and I let it just affect me. Change me. Take over me and render me useless.

I want a baby so bad - not right now. As if. I'm still getting my life in order and working on myself and I'm a pretty rad person, and I'm pretty in love with who I am becoming, and I don't think thats conceited, even if there hadn't been a time where I literally tried to claw out of my skin. I think it's important to say and feel these things and really just confuse ourselves with these weird desires that contradict everything we've ever believed in. To anybody who would listen, I would say New York is my purpose. It's my heart and my soul and my being and it's where I'll be and where I end up. I gush about the top of the rock and sitting in DUMBO, and getting lost in Chinatown and walking bridges when I'm afraid of heights and sitting on my friends futon watching really gay characters on tv while we eat ice cream and laugh, and I've always had this idea in my head since I fell in love with the city the first time that I would do anything to be there. And that I would have this New York life that I would build and if I ever so desired I would get on a plane and go work in a hospital in a country that had absolutely nothing. And I would come home and be changed and do things that really shake me to the core and just have this crazy spontaneous life that reminds me of sitting at the kitchen table with my sister planning a trip to new york. Because it's so beautiful that we're two souls who were in love, and she got her heart broken and still loves and I'm still falling in love with a city that I'm lucky to visit whenever I can get there. And a baby contradicts it all. It's 2am and I can't sleep because maybe I've watched too much bones, or it's a new year and I'm stalking people on facebook like it's my day job or I'm working on college apps, or because I'm thinking about how wanting a child changes everything about anything I've ever wanted for myself. And I think about S, how her life radically changed as a Teen Mom, and how even if she was in her twenties, or thirties, her life still would have radically changed and the fierce love she feels for her daughter.

I'm so confused about my life and I wish I was physically with someone to talk about it, but I'm not, and that's fine because I'm going to be 23 and I've got so much time to figure it out, even though I feel like I'm on these insane deadlines to get my shit together, but I guess I am, you know, getting my shit together.

Is it weird to say I have no idea who I am, but I'm so in love with who I am. Like I finally have some identity even though I don't know what it is. That I'm this really, really, insert adjective I haven't found, person. I know being in school would ease so much more of this confusion, but like for one second I don't regret at all giving up my spot at Fanshawe for a chance of getting into the program at GBC. I don't. It was that leap of faith in believing in myself enough that I could do it, even though I didn't. It was believing myself to be more capable than I would have ever allowed myself to believe. I'm not in school, and it sucks, but it's also beautiful knowing that I do have what it takes and to believe, and keep believing even when shit doesn't work out. I'm going to be in school in the fall and it's going to be great. I'm going to be successful and rock the shit out of my degree.

I'm just going to keep rocking the shit out of my life.

the sound of settling

I say it all the time, but saying it doesn't really mean acceptance, I guess. My mom is never going to change, and it's just something I need to accept. It's been years now of never being good enough for her, of walking on eggshells, of always falling short. But I also know in my heart there is nothing more that I can do - that I really am doing the best I can and that's good enough for me and that is all that needs to matter. I don't have to meet anybody's standards but my own.

I am never going to be the daughter that she wanted. And that sucks. But at least I'm going to be the person I know I can be and that's enough for me.

at dawn i would watch the sun cut ribbons through the bay

So much has happened since I last blogged a very elusive post. NYC, school, work, life, family, friends. I've kept myself incredibly busy, so any downtime is incredibly nice.

I flew (yes, flew), to New York City on the 23rd of August. The 5K Color Run was taking place in the city and earlier in the year my friend and I had decided we were going to do it. I decided to spring the extra money for a flight because I wasn't quite finished at my job and needed to save travel time. Expensive, but so worth it. Landing in an hour and a half was pretty spectacular when you're used to a 10 hour bus ride. Leading up to the trip I felt a lot of ambivalence about my decision to go. My friend was in an accident the weekend before I was to arrive (but thankfully was for the most part okay, and is recovering very well!). Her parents were up to help her out, and I wasn't exactly sure where I would fit into that equation. I still wanted to come, but also didn't want to infringe on her time with her family or her recovery. But still, she assured me I was always welcome and she wanted me to come, and she still planned on participating in the race. (She's just crazy amazing like that!). The trip was incredibly different than what it usually is; somehow a combination of good bad and in between different. It gave me the opportunity to reconnect with a good friend I hadn't seen in a few years. We spent more money than necessary at Victoria Secret, and she introduced me to the best Vegan restaurant in the West Village, and perhaps, (at least in my opinion), all of Manhattan. This trip was a lot more laid back, and I didn't feel such an overwhelming need to fill my camera or always be on the go.

And then it was smack back to reality. I had to return to work the next day, which was an unbelievably weird juxtaposition. I find it so hard to fathom being at work and knowing less than 24 hours ago I had been in Times Square. I feel like every time I leave the city, my physical being returns but it takes days, weeks, months...before my mind follows; before I'm present again fully. But work didn't last exceptionally long. There were only four days left. Most people had dropped by then, and we were working with a very small crew, which seemed to even out nicely as there was less and less to do as the summer season drew to a close. Of course, it wasn't going to officially be the end for me, as I planned on returning for fridays and weekends to make some extra cash during the school year.

Which leads me to school. In simple terms, it didn't work out. And I wasn't upset about it. At the crux, it was a dead end program that wasn't going to take me directly into my RN which was the original plan all along. It also didn't feel right. Being there, didn't feel like where I was supposed to be. I'm still not 100% certain of where that is, but sitting in my one class should have felt good and exciting - the same way doing my high school courses this past year felt good. All it felt like was a chore. I have applied to several different programs - one of which was the program I turned down at the college in London that had been my first choice.

People keep asking me if nursing is what I want to do, and to be honest, I don't have a solid answer for them. I don't know what I want to do - I can tell you what I don't want to do, based on what I have already tried in the past. But what I want to do, I'm still not one hundred percent certain. I think that was another reason why turning down school wasn't as hard on me as people expected it to be. Can I see myself doing nursing? 100%. Do I want to do nursing? Yes. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? I don't know. I don't know if it's something I will want two years from now after all the money and training and school. I think it's hard for me to truly know what I want when the future still seems black to me. So...Let's face it. I didn't expect to be alive past 20 and I'm now 22, approaching 23 rapidly, and I facilitate between wanting to run head first into the future and wanting to run in the opposite direction of it. How can you know what you want to do when the future still seems black? When death still feels like it can lurk around any corner so what's the point? It's dark and dreary and depressing, but I still find it hard, most days, to make sense of my future. I feel like every time I think I've figured out what I want, there is something on the other side of the scale, quietly dismantling all my thoughts. It's weird to see all of my friends graduated - living the next chapter of their lives. Laurier feels so close to me these days, and yet so far away. Living away from home, in my own apartment. The days we'd run over to warmingtons for lunch or a 3am poutine from lonnies. I'm very nostalgic these days.

And I miss New York these days more than usual. Sometimes, I feel like I never went in August. The city feels more than an arms length away - friends feel more than an arms length away. I literally ache for the day that I can go and not leave. It's when I think about New York and living in New York that there is something - even the smallest something - about my future that isn't black. I miss it and it hurts like a son of a bitch. I want to be swallowed by the city and not worry about how many days I have left and if I'm spending every single second absorbing it all in. Its my home.

I guess that's where I am at these days.

Gate F64

Was this trip a bad idea?

i'm still waiting patiently

Oh my. I sort of underestimated how little free time I would have working two jobs this summer, and in that little span of free time I do have, I'm usually too tired to do anything except laze around the house. It's an understatement to say that I am anticipating the arrival of school, if only for the slow down. I'll keep both jobs, but I'll only be working weekends at aggc, and continuing to work at the office during the week. Where do I even begin?

Work started to go downhill at aggc once M left. I didn't realize how much she made coming to work easier, until she wasn't around anymore. I have amazing friends still at the course, and it has been such a rewarding summer, but it's been four months and I'm tired of the shit management pulls and the way that most of us are treated. I guess those issues were always there, but it made it easier when M was around just because. I also took a week off work in July for a family vacation. The break was definitely much needed, but I've been trying to get back into my routine that I was in prior to the vacation and it's proving to be more difficult than anticipated. I still am in bed before midnight (most days, anyways), but I'm always exhausted when the morning rolls around and my alarm is going off at 4. I just have to push through for another 3 weeks - 18 days. And then it's just weekends, which are always so much easier to deal with.

And then there is the issue of school. The enthusiasm I have held over the past, what, two and a half years seems to be fading as it grows closer. I did get into my top choice, but declined the offer and decided to stay local. I don't regret this decision to any capacity. I was very unsure of it when I made it, but as the time as passed, I realized that I DID make the right choice. But still, a part of me wonders if this year is just a waste of a time. Is it a time filler? It isn't going to take me exactly where I need to go. It actually doesn't even help in the slightest - save the fact if I get a high enough GPA that might help. I'm going to simultaneously be doing high school classes and college courses, which will keep things interesting. I have class every day, which is another piss off. The way schedules are made are very different than what I got at RU and WLU. Basically, there are four blocks with schedules pre-made and you have to pick. So it doesn't really help you in any sense trying to get some days off. We'll see how things go though.

I've been doing extremely well in my recovery - behaviour wise. There was a stretch of time where it just came so effortlessly to me. I always believed it would be a choice - you know, you wake up in the morning and you decide to have breakfast because you choose recovery. You choose to fight - everyday is a fight and I can choose to sink or swim. But it just came so naturally - so, dare I say, normal? I woke up and ate breakfast because it was time for breakfast. It wasn't a conscious choice to eat and choose recovery. It was just waking up, making breakfast and going on about my day like the past nine and a half years didn't exist. But of course, there are always ups and downs, and I'm somewhere in limbo right now - not actively engaging in behaviours, but fighting the war in my head. A lot of things slammed me at once - school became very real, a very big fall out with my sister, quitting my meds cold turkey, the potential end of a friendship with my once best friend, M leaving...The list seemed to go on, and on. And some days it is a battle to not engage in behaviours. It's hard and its tiring and there have been some moments where I do wonder, "What the fuck even is the point? This isn't what I had hoped for last year when I decided to fight for my life." But, I keep pushing through because at the end of the day, it's my only option.

The year is almost half over. What do I have to show for myself? So, so much.

I went from having all the time in the world to really having no time. Once my exam was over (Which I think I got 86% on, finishing the course with a 94%), I was on my way to New York City a few days later and upon returning, I immediately started two new jobs. It's been a bit of struggle trying to maintain a balance and find a schedule that works for me, but I feel like I've got something down finally. It's weird - but a strange weird. I really resisted it in the beginning. I didn't like going to bed around 830. I've always been a night hawk, and am usually going to be when the sun is coming up. Now I'm going to bed before it even sets. I was really unhappy about that. It just was such a drastic change and I really fought that. Whenever I'm presented with change in my life, that's my immediate reaction. Fight it. Resist it. I had a couple of really stressful days at my full time job and seriously considered quitting it, but I didn't. I really felt like everyone in my family was waiting for me to fail. I know how that sounds, but I knew right from the beginning that nobody, save a few of my friends, really believed in me to be capable of doing this job. I was constantly told I would hate it or wouldn't be able to hack it out. But I can 100% say that I love it, I love the job, and I'm so glad that I did decide to stick it out. I've made so many new friends. And it's been weird for several reason.

First things first, I'm not the "sick" girl. I really feel like that has always been my identity no matter where I go. Every job I have had, my eating disorder has been raging in my life and it's just known. And now, people have no idea. And at first, I really wasn't sure how I felt about that, which sounds super weird. A part of me was so glad to have left that identity behind, but another part of me felt like a scam. Like I was lying to people - wasn't being fully honest. I've always felt like one with my eating disorder. It took over me. It became me. I didn't know who I was beyond that and that was such a struggle - figuring out how to be separate from it. The topic comes up at work and I keep to myself. I add my opinion when I feel like it. I'm so close with a girl at work and sometimes I feel like I'm not being a good friend by not necessarily lying, but also not telling the truth. It's a weird paradox.

The girl I'm really close with is from Germany. She's been here for a year on a working holiday visa and we actually started out hating each other. I thought she was a snobby bitch and she thought I was a lazy dwarf. But, I don't even know how, but we became really good friends. She's leaving to go home soon, and we're both really upset about that and trying to make the most of the time that we have left together at the course.

I started medication again at the beginning of May. It took a while to start working, but I feel that it has helped me incredibly. I still have some days where shit hits the fan and I think it's not working, but for the most part, it's just been such a great aid in moving forward and continuing to get better.

There is so much more to say, but alas, so much to do.

remind your lungs how much they love the taste of air.

Say what? Incredibly long time, no blog. And for once, I can actually say, that yes, I really have been too busy to blog. I've been studying like mad crazy for my biology exam, which is in exactly and hour and a half. It's weird to have the time to sit in Starbucks and blog for an exam. I'm usually that person trying to cram in last minute information because I left studying to the last minute. But not this time.

The stress leading up to this exam has been an incredibly different stress than I'm used too. Usually I'm frantically freaking out over things I don't know because I haven't gone to class, or done the work or done the readings and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to wing my way through some bull shit to get a passing mark. But my stress this time has come from the fact, "What if I don't get perfect?" I know how that sounds, and I know that my goal shouldn't be 100%, but that's where the stress has stemmed from. I'm actually not afraid at all that I will fail, because I know my stuff well enough that I won't. And that's a first. And this stress that I feel right now weighs less than the stress I'm used too. So when people say don't stress out, you're gonna do fine, that's not why I'm stressing out. But, still, it's appreciated. I'm going into this exam and all I can ask of myself is to answer each question to the best of my ability and be okay with that, whatever the mark is. Whether its a 60, or a 90 or 100%, so long as I did the best that I could, than isn't that as close to perfection as you can get?

And once this exam is over, I'm going to drown in books. I'm going catch up and I'm going to get excited for New York. Yes New York. I leave on Saturday. The excitement is there underneath everything that I'm feeling for this exam. To be back in my city, in the center of my universe. It's just... I don't know. :)

This entry is so all over the place, haha. I don't know. I just, things are all over the place lately, but in that really good way of not even trying so hard to contain everything into a box and everything be black and white. Life is messy, mine is extremely messy, and I'm learning to just go with that.