two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed

I honestly thought that I would be more sad than I am right now. I mean, I cried a lot yesterday on the bus and when I got home and in the car and at group and everything. It's always overwhelming to come home. It's always a weird feeling to step off the bus some 10...12 hours later and try to place myself back in the city. Like, was I really there 12 hours ago? Was I just sitting in J's apartment on the futon? And now I'm here? I don't know if it is from traveling all day or what, but it's always just so weird to think that just this morning I was there, and now I'm here. So, lol, I cry. I cry and leave awkward voicemails on my friends phone because no matter what, there is always a part of me that aches when I leave the city.

But I'm sitting in my bedroom right now (weird?) watching the Manhattan in Motion video, which it sounds lame, but something I thought I wouldn't be able to do. Simple things like listening to Empire State of Mind and watching this video and other NYC related things. I uploaded all my pictures to facebook and lived every moment again through them and didn't sob hysterically. I laughed and smiled and seeped back into those memories, even for a second. I don't even know why I feel like this or what shifted or anything. All I know is that, yes, I do miss the city, but I'm really, truly, okay.

Maybe this all has to do with the fact that I'm actually going back in two weeks - that in two weeks time I will be back to my "home." I will be back in the company of my favourite new yorker; I will be back to where a squawking cat wakes me up at 4 every morning. I will be back to the MTA instead of the TTC. I will be back to lots and lots of people.

I wish I could say more about this past week. I wish I could just....get it all into words and explain and express. I made it to the last 20 minutes of group last night post 12 hours on a bus and just was so grateful. I sat there and the change within myself was just so god damn present in that moment that it was worth paying the 3$ subway fare to make it. It was worth it all. I think I'm going to go drag the christmas tree upstairs now.

it hasn't felt like home before you

It's 5am. I've just said goodbye to J. Seriously, where has this week gone? I remember sitting on the bus last week thinking about this moment - thinking about my last night and what I would be doing and how I would be feeling. This part never gets easier; it's the worst part and simultaneously the best part. It sucks because leaving the one place you know you belong and can't stay has got to be one of the worst feelings in the entire world, but knowing that leaving means you just get to come back again is also a very....rewarding? feeling. And I'm coming back in just a matter of weeks, so it really all does feel different this time, but also the same. Hmmm. I'm wondering how that can be. I'm not looking forward to the bus ride however.

I talked a lot this week with J about my life and about where I have been. All week I have thought about where I was this summer when I came to where I am now, and I truly cannot even place that girl to who I am, especially now. I remember going to the Donut Plant in the summer and nervously picking at it and only being able to manage half because I was so sure my ass was going to expand instantly and I would lose control and be a giant fucking mess and then now, when I just order a donut without thinking and eat it without thinking and just have a good time. I can't even REMEMBER what I talked about with J while I was at the DP in the summer because I was just so god damn lost into my eating disorder. I sort of am just sitting here just....I don't know. This whole change?

I need to get the rest of my things together so that I am not frantically running around trying to catch the subway at last minute to get the bus. I hope that my bus is semi on time tonight so I can make it back for koom bi a because I just really want to be there for the last group and just, I don't know. Everything about this trip is just always so heavy (in a good way) in my whole entire being and group is the perfect place to just....get it all out.

I'm going to be okay.

brave.

It's 1:18am and I'm going to kick myself tomorrow when J wakes me up to go skating, but I don't really care. I'm sitting in the living room looking out at the city and I want to just cry because it's all so god damn beautiful - more beautiful than I can even put into words and I don't even want to try because I just don't think I can encapsulate it all. I love here....I love being here. I love being here with someone who loves and appreciates New York more than me because there is just so much to learn. Stories and places and pictures and smiles and laughs - soul opening laughs - and from the very first time I stepped foot into this city in 2009 I always knew that it was special to me. I'm so different from that girl. But that's what I really love about New York, no matter how long it's been, it's still the same and yet so different and it's really at these moments that I notice even the slightest differences in myself.

I wish I could just capture this moment. I wish there was some way to hold it in my hands and come back to it whenever I need to. It sounds ridiculous - all of this does, and I'm just so past the point of even caring. I want to let loose and scream and laugh and smile and eat really good food and love it. I want to dance all night and sing at the top of my lungs and be okay with it. Because fuck, I think about sitting in group when K asks me all the time, but what else are you? And it's such a god damn struggle to say anything, so I just say what I always say after its choked out of me, but I just want to scream right now that I'm brave and I'm beautiful and I'm funny and I'm smart and I'm caring and I'm kind and I'm so many things and have so much potential to be these things and be the person I'm supposed to be, whoever that is, and I can do that. That's who I am here. Everything is balanced and centered and my friends in the next room sleeping and I just want to say Thank You for changing my life. Thank you for sharing this with me and letting me be apart of it because fuck, it feels so good to be apart of something, whatever it is. I walk down the streets of NYC and know this is where I'm meant to be. I sit on the subway and I wish I could just explain it, you know? I wish I could make my mom understand, make people understand that this is the only thing I'm sure about in my life. That honest to god, my purpose in life is this city. it's not the future children I may or may not have, it's not the person I've been crushing on for the past year, it's not to cure cancer or be a book publisher or a doctor or anything. It's this city. That simple and that complicated.

My first night here in July I just laid on the futon and cried. I cried because I felt disgusting and so unworthy of being here and being friends with J and crying over a fucking donut and I'm sitting in the exact same spot and I just can't even put myself to that girl. Which is strange because its 130 in the morning and the night is when I always slip away, and I'm so god damn present right now and I want more than anything to stay here.

and it's all coming back to me.

Sitting on the bus right now. The internet is kind of shoddy, so hopefully this posts when I'm done. It's just a little before five, meaning I've been on the bus for the past five hours. Feels like a lot longer, really. It's been pretty good so far. I had a really awful experience with MegaBus in the past so I was about weary about riding it, but it's been smooth sailing for far (fingers crossed as I still have six more hours to go!). I've had two seats to myself near the stair case (extra foot room) for the entire ride. We have one more stop in syracuse and then one hand in the air for the big city. Syracuse is always a busy station so I assume it could get super busy there....who knows. Hopefully it's not too bad because S-NYC is still a good portion of the journey and I'm probably going to pass out soon.

I'm excited to go. I really am. I felt pretty much how I expected I would feel last night. I don't know, its that whole before you leave anticipation that rubs me in the wrong way. I just get really nervous and anxiety ridden and just really am not sure what to do with myself. I stayed up pretty late sort of just whatever, so I wasn't feeling 100% this morning, but popped some ativan and was good to go.

I'm excited. I really am. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know I'm going to be there tonight. That I'm going to sleep on J's futon and I'm going to hear the people and the traffic and the noise and the sirens and I'm going to be okay.

New York....I'm ready for you.