where do we go from here?

So what's happened over the past two years? My last post was such a positive outlook onto what 2013 could be - and for the most part it stayed like that. Things in my life really did start to change and get better that year. I went to NYC in April with a good friend and got to experience the city in a way I wasn't used to. I worked two different golf course jobs. I went back to NYC in September and met up with my friend K from England who was roadtripping across America. But things started to get a little bit hard after that. I got rejected from nursing school, which I took incredibly hard. Things at home were at an all time bad and I was within days of being kicked out. So, on a whim, I applied to a lesser program far away - my top choice from 2012 that I had turned down.

And I got in.

I moved at the beginning of January 2014, almost three hours away - not really sure what my life was going to be. But I knew that I wanted to make it work this time - that this program was the answer to finally getting into nursing school. So I started working with a counsellor on campus - who changed my life so incredibly. And despite how hard things got at school, I finished first semester as one of the top kids in my class.

Summer - I had to move back home. And I couldn't find a job. Things sucked. Things were really, really, fucking hard. And so I started making trips out every few weeks to meet my counsellor from school to try and hold myself together. And come September, I moved back, and felt very unsure about finishing up my program. I didn't feel I had the same drive or stability after such a rocky summer. I tried to withdraw twice, but my counsellor fought for me to see I had reasons to keep going. And somehow - I really don't know how - I made it. I finished within the top 8 of my class.

And now its 2015. I'm off for the next 8 months until nursing school begins (provided I get in!). And I tried to make it work in my school city, but lack of a job, means being homeless and I had to pack up and come back home. Which hasn't been easy. Home is where things fall apart -where I fall apart against all better judgement because I don't know how to be who I am here. I don't know how to maintain that and fight for that and hold onto that when everybody around me is trying to bury me, break me, push me to the edge.

I don't know where I go from here.
I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm gonna fucking ruin everything. My counsellor is going on Mat Leave and I won't see her for about a year and a half. I'm afraid that when I see her next everything will be shot to shit and I can't even fucking bear the thought of showing up like that.

I don't know what to do. Relapse feels imminent. Like that silhouette you just slip into with ease. That whispers. Shh. It's okay. You're home now. You can close your eyes.

hold on to hope love

Sometimes, I'm afraid that a relapse is just imminent. That I'm going to wake up in 6 months and I'm going to wonder what the fuck happened and how I got there and how I worked so hard to become who I am and it will all be gone.

A lot has happened over the past two years. And maybe when I'm in the mood, I'll blog about it.