I flew (yes, flew), to New York City on the 23rd of August. The 5K Color Run was taking place in the city and earlier in the year my friend and I had decided we were going to do it. I decided to spring the extra money for a flight because I wasn't quite finished at my job and needed to save travel time. Expensive, but so worth it. Landing in an hour and a half was pretty spectacular when you're used to a 10 hour bus ride. Leading up to the trip I felt a lot of ambivalence about my decision to go. My friend was in an accident the weekend before I was to arrive (but thankfully was for the most part okay, and is recovering very well!). Her parents were up to help her out, and I wasn't exactly sure where I would fit into that equation. I still wanted to come, but also didn't want to infringe on her time with her family or her recovery. But still, she assured me I was always welcome and she wanted me to come, and she still planned on participating in the race. (She's just crazy amazing like that!). The trip was incredibly different than what it usually is; somehow a combination of good bad and in between different. It gave me the opportunity to reconnect with a good friend I hadn't seen in a few years. We spent more money than necessary at Victoria Secret, and she introduced me to the best Vegan restaurant in the West Village, and perhaps, (at least in my opinion), all of Manhattan. This trip was a lot more laid back, and I didn't feel such an overwhelming need to fill my camera or always be on the go.
And then it was smack back to reality. I had to return to work the next day, which was an unbelievably weird juxtaposition. I find it so hard to fathom being at work and knowing less than 24 hours ago I had been in Times Square. I feel like every time I leave the city, my physical being returns but it takes days, weeks, months...before my mind follows; before I'm present again fully. But work didn't last exceptionally long. There were only four days left. Most people had dropped by then, and we were working with a very small crew, which seemed to even out nicely as there was less and less to do as the summer season drew to a close. Of course, it wasn't going to officially be the end for me, as I planned on returning for fridays and weekends to make some extra cash during the school year.
Which leads me to school. In simple terms, it didn't work out. And I wasn't upset about it. At the crux, it was a dead end program that wasn't going to take me directly into my RN which was the original plan all along. It also didn't feel right. Being there, didn't feel like where I was supposed to be. I'm still not 100% certain of where that is, but sitting in my one class should have felt good and exciting - the same way doing my high school courses this past year felt good. All it felt like was a chore. I have applied to several different programs - one of which was the program I turned down at the college in London that had been my first choice.
People keep asking me if nursing is what I want to do, and to be honest, I don't have a solid answer for them. I don't know what I want to do - I can tell you what I don't want to do, based on what I have already tried in the past. But what I want to do, I'm still not one hundred percent certain. I think that was another reason why turning down school wasn't as hard on me as people expected it to be. Can I see myself doing nursing? 100%. Do I want to do nursing? Yes. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? I don't know. I don't know if it's something I will want two years from now after all the money and training and school. I think it's hard for me to truly know what I want when the future still seems black to me. So...Let's face it. I didn't expect to be alive past 20 and I'm now 22, approaching 23 rapidly, and I facilitate between wanting to run head first into the future and wanting to run in the opposite direction of it. How can you know what you want to do when the future still seems black? When death still feels like it can lurk around any corner so what's the point? It's dark and dreary and depressing, but I still find it hard, most days, to make sense of my future. I feel like every time I think I've figured out what I want, there is something on the other side of the scale, quietly dismantling all my thoughts. It's weird to see all of my friends graduated - living the next chapter of their lives. Laurier feels so close to me these days, and yet so far away. Living away from home, in my own apartment. The days we'd run over to warmingtons for lunch or a 3am poutine from lonnies. I'm very nostalgic these days.
And I miss New York these days more than usual. Sometimes, I feel like I never went in August. The city feels more than an arms length away - friends feel more than an arms length away. I literally ache for the day that I can go and not leave. It's when I think about New York and living in New York that there is something - even the smallest something - about my future that isn't black. I miss it and it hurts like a son of a bitch. I want to be swallowed by the city and not worry about how many days I have left and if I'm spending every single second absorbing it all in. Its my home.
I guess that's where I am at these days.
