August 23, 2012
August 04, 2012
i'm still waiting patiently
Oh my. I sort of underestimated how little free time I would have working two jobs this summer, and in that little span of free time I do have, I'm usually too tired to do anything except laze around the house. It's an understatement to say that I am anticipating the arrival of school, if only for the slow down. I'll keep both jobs, but I'll only be working weekends at aggc, and continuing to work at the office during the week. Where do I even begin?
Work started to go downhill at aggc once M left. I didn't realize how much she made coming to work easier, until she wasn't around anymore. I have amazing friends still at the course, and it has been such a rewarding summer, but it's been four months and I'm tired of the shit management pulls and the way that most of us are treated. I guess those issues were always there, but it made it easier when M was around just because. I also took a week off work in July for a family vacation. The break was definitely much needed, but I've been trying to get back into my routine that I was in prior to the vacation and it's proving to be more difficult than anticipated. I still am in bed before midnight (most days, anyways), but I'm always exhausted when the morning rolls around and my alarm is going off at 4. I just have to push through for another 3 weeks - 18 days. And then it's just weekends, which are always so much easier to deal with.
And then there is the issue of school. The enthusiasm I have held over the past, what, two and a half years seems to be fading as it grows closer. I did get into my top choice, but declined the offer and decided to stay local. I don't regret this decision to any capacity. I was very unsure of it when I made it, but as the time as passed, I realized that I DID make the right choice. But still, a part of me wonders if this year is just a waste of a time. Is it a time filler? It isn't going to take me exactly where I need to go. It actually doesn't even help in the slightest - save the fact if I get a high enough GPA that might help. I'm going to simultaneously be doing high school classes and college courses, which will keep things interesting. I have class every day, which is another piss off. The way schedules are made are very different than what I got at RU and WLU. Basically, there are four blocks with schedules pre-made and you have to pick. So it doesn't really help you in any sense trying to get some days off. We'll see how things go though.
I've been doing extremely well in my recovery - behaviour wise. There was a stretch of time where it just came so effortlessly to me. I always believed it would be a choice - you know, you wake up in the morning and you decide to have breakfast because you choose recovery. You choose to fight - everyday is a fight and I can choose to sink or swim. But it just came so naturally - so, dare I say, normal? I woke up and ate breakfast because it was time for breakfast. It wasn't a conscious choice to eat and choose recovery. It was just waking up, making breakfast and going on about my day like the past nine and a half years didn't exist. But of course, there are always ups and downs, and I'm somewhere in limbo right now - not actively engaging in behaviours, but fighting the war in my head. A lot of things slammed me at once - school became very real, a very big fall out with my sister, quitting my meds cold turkey, the potential end of a friendship with my once best friend, M leaving...The list seemed to go on, and on. And some days it is a battle to not engage in behaviours. It's hard and its tiring and there have been some moments where I do wonder, "What the fuck even is the point? This isn't what I had hoped for last year when I decided to fight for my life." But, I keep pushing through because at the end of the day, it's my only option.
The year is almost half over. What do I have to show for myself? So, so much.
Work started to go downhill at aggc once M left. I didn't realize how much she made coming to work easier, until she wasn't around anymore. I have amazing friends still at the course, and it has been such a rewarding summer, but it's been four months and I'm tired of the shit management pulls and the way that most of us are treated. I guess those issues were always there, but it made it easier when M was around just because. I also took a week off work in July for a family vacation. The break was definitely much needed, but I've been trying to get back into my routine that I was in prior to the vacation and it's proving to be more difficult than anticipated. I still am in bed before midnight (most days, anyways), but I'm always exhausted when the morning rolls around and my alarm is going off at 4. I just have to push through for another 3 weeks - 18 days. And then it's just weekends, which are always so much easier to deal with.
And then there is the issue of school. The enthusiasm I have held over the past, what, two and a half years seems to be fading as it grows closer. I did get into my top choice, but declined the offer and decided to stay local. I don't regret this decision to any capacity. I was very unsure of it when I made it, but as the time as passed, I realized that I DID make the right choice. But still, a part of me wonders if this year is just a waste of a time. Is it a time filler? It isn't going to take me exactly where I need to go. It actually doesn't even help in the slightest - save the fact if I get a high enough GPA that might help. I'm going to simultaneously be doing high school classes and college courses, which will keep things interesting. I have class every day, which is another piss off. The way schedules are made are very different than what I got at RU and WLU. Basically, there are four blocks with schedules pre-made and you have to pick. So it doesn't really help you in any sense trying to get some days off. We'll see how things go though.
I've been doing extremely well in my recovery - behaviour wise. There was a stretch of time where it just came so effortlessly to me. I always believed it would be a choice - you know, you wake up in the morning and you decide to have breakfast because you choose recovery. You choose to fight - everyday is a fight and I can choose to sink or swim. But it just came so naturally - so, dare I say, normal? I woke up and ate breakfast because it was time for breakfast. It wasn't a conscious choice to eat and choose recovery. It was just waking up, making breakfast and going on about my day like the past nine and a half years didn't exist. But of course, there are always ups and downs, and I'm somewhere in limbo right now - not actively engaging in behaviours, but fighting the war in my head. A lot of things slammed me at once - school became very real, a very big fall out with my sister, quitting my meds cold turkey, the potential end of a friendship with my once best friend, M leaving...The list seemed to go on, and on. And some days it is a battle to not engage in behaviours. It's hard and its tiring and there have been some moments where I do wonder, "What the fuck even is the point? This isn't what I had hoped for last year when I decided to fight for my life." But, I keep pushing through because at the end of the day, it's my only option.
The year is almost half over. What do I have to show for myself? So, so much.
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